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When Does it Get Easier?

Friday, November 9, 2012

I keep waiting, day after day, and trying really hard to stay positive and upbeat... focused on all of the good things in my life. But God F&%^$# Damn this shit is getting hard!!! Flipped the calendar to the new page last week and again I evaluate, take stock and see which direction I am going in. I really think I am completely standing still in most areas of my life but not for lack of trying to move forward, simply for lack of focus. I can't focus... I CAN'T FINISH ONE DARN THING!!!!! I know everyone struggles with this on some level but I struggle with it on the large scale, the huge things, the most important things in my life. I get everything about 3/4 done and something happens to derail me and there I sit. My best friend is trying hard to push me in the right direction. I feel like the two old ladies in Steel Magnolias, I am definitely Shirley MacLaine aka "Weeza"... pissed off and angry all the time over all the crap in my life that isn't quite the way I want it to be and all of the idiots I have to suffer through. Here's a list of what I really need to accomplish and soon:

1. Complete my divorce.

2. Pack up my house and 11 years worth of shit.

3. Complete my divorce.

4. Run, Train, Run... get ready for the mud run my dumb ass just signed up for.

5. Don't feel guilty about Me time, take it as needed.

6. Eat Clean. I feel so much better, not even funny.

7. Find a new house to live in where we can all be happy.

I guess I could go on and list a hundred more things but just the highlights for today. Have been thinking about this stuff all week and the conclusion I have come to once again is that the sky is not falling today. Let's face it, everything I do I do at a snails pace. I don't know if it's good or bad but it is just the way I do. It absolutely infuriates a lot of people that I don't get excited and go crazy about stuff, but I don't. I have to think, to plan, to do things slowly and deliberately. I admit that I do get in my own way  because of this an awful lot. With this slow deliberation sometimes comes the tendency to just over think to the point that I become a little paralyzed but the inability to make a decision to go in a definite direction. I am working on that... slowly:)

Woo Hoo It's Wednesday... TFG:) Thank *&^%$#@ God

Wednesday, October 24, 2012
I think Wed. is starting to become my new fave day of the week at least lately for some reason... don't know why.  I feel good and have been smiling all day. Went to bed early and was good last night. People have been smiling at me too but I think that is because my shirt is partially see through. So this is a big week for me. First real 5k this weekend and as I expected I am woefully ill-prepared. Only got half way thru my training program once football/cheerleading started. I just don't have enough hours in the day as a single mom. No... that's not true... that is an excuse. I do have enough time, I am just too effing lazy and still clinging to my poor lifestyle habits which thrive on my lazy ass! I have made some changes though and I am going to make more I swear! How can I change into one of those people who gets up at 4:00 a.m. and runs around for a few miles before going to work??? Is there an app for that?

Anywho... I am still excited about the whole race experience and we get a really cool long sleeved t-shirt to boot. Maybe this can be the start of a new tradition or regular occurrence for me and my best gal pal Ms. B.

So here's what.... I'm thinking...Next week is Halloween and we all know that this marks the start of a potentially disastrous face stuffing holiday eating season for all of us fat-arses. I need to come up with a plan to get me through it. It has to be a weekly road map of diet and exercise so I don't  finish the year in another weight class. The good thing on the exercise front is that football & cheer leading are about over so no more activities for a little bit. I can finally resume my evening runs at a reasonable hour of the day/night. This also means that we get to come home every day and eat at home, together, in our kitchen. Here I can cook clean meals, the good stuff for my fam. So this is the start of the plan I am crafting... 3 runs a week, 5 days clean eating, 2 days a little cheating ( this will allow for those holiday party snacks that I so love). I am going to also make it my goal to blog about it, photograph it... my self, my food, my running shoes, whatev.  I am excited... I can do this.

On a slightly darker crappier note (but my above plan will help me deal with this too) ex-douche meat just will not let go so we may be forced to spend more low quality time together as his business usually snails along at this time of year. I am going to do my best to run more and wine less... but we shall see.

Pic to come of  Slightly see-through blouse... I don't give a shit... I like. God I need some botox:(

Update Update

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Ok, so I am committed to getting back here on a regular basis. I was doing so well for awhile and really enjoying spilling my guts and thinking out loud here in my little blog that no one reads. But it is cathartic like having a journal and  good to go back and see how I have been thinking feeling in recent times. But where to begin??? How about let's get the worst of the shit out of the way first... the dreaded divorce chronicles.

Let me just start by saying that I love men, I really, really do. But I have ended up with one of thee most sorry pathetic hateful excuses for a man on the planet. His sole existence revolves around meeting his own needs and trying to destroy what is left of my life. Ugh... I am so sick of being held hostage by this man. I had to postpone our last court date because he refuses to sign the papers. And the latest and greatest news is that he no longer is agreeing to stay elsewhere when he is in town. His plan is to stay at the house until the divorce is final which it never will be because he won't sign the paperwork. I am so sick of him. I would like to scream. So I am packing... again. Looks like we will be moving sooner rather than later. He is giving me no choice. I hate the man, he is a selfish bastard.

So that is the bad news. On other fronts everything else seems to be plugging right along. I have been grossly off the wagon on my quest toward fitness. Something about having to deal with douchebag on a daily basis just makes me angry and that makes me want to eat and sit around feeling sorry for myself. I am really mad at myself for caving. Gained a few lbs. back but not too much damage done. Trying to figure out the best plan to get back on track. I am really wanting to do 100 days of real food but it just seems so daunting. Need to quit smoking and drinking for good... it is just such a huge time waster for me and not to mention  killing any effort I put into doing something healthy and good for me!!! It is time to stop the insanity. My one biggest concern is that my best friend and I are horrible influences on each other. Every time one of gets on the wagon the other one pulls that person right off and down to the gutter. What do I do about this??? I love her to death but we are bad to the bone together. I think the truth is that we both have so much in our lives that we are just not happy with... so we slowly try to take ourselves out...Lol. boy this whole paragraph sounds like more bad news!!!

Goal for the week... I know it's Tuesday... should have done this Monday. Run twice instead of sitting home and drinking/eating/smoking. I can do this. My big 5k is on Saturday... my training program stalled at week 4... I am also really mad about that. But I can still pick it back up and finish. Going to sign up for another run to keep motivated.

Food goal... pick up the eat clean book again and start studying. Do some research into what it would take to do the 100 day challenge. If I think about where I was a hundred days ago... ugh... that was douche meat's birthday actually. Well, the point is a lot can change in 100 days... actually you can change your whole life in a lot shorter time than that. Hmmm... real food for thought. I'm thinkin again.

Ooopsie... Got a little off track here!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Oh my goodness, I can't believe I have been gone for so long. I miss spilling my guts here in my little blog that is apparently just for me. So where have I been... hmmm... back on the roller coaster of my crazy life for sure. Things have been pretty good overall. I still feel like I am failing miserably at accomplishing all of the things I am required to do on a daily basis... mostly because in fact, I am. But on the bright side... no one knows this but me and I don't give a shit if I have 6 loads of clean clothes on my bed waiting to be folded, hung, put away... I really don't. And I pretty much do every GD day, no matter how hard I try to get it done, the shit will just not put itself away!!! Lol.

In other news I joined a new online dating site...  and ooh child... it has been tons o' fun!!! I think I found my people. Seriously, this site is so much better than It's a much more fun and casual approach to internet dating. Perhaps a little too casual as there seems to be a lot of folks on it strictly looking for sex... all kinds of sex. Wow, there are some freaks out there people!!! I have had 2 dates thus far... one a complete waste of time with a 40 year old man that lives on his boat... a very tiny ski boat in a local marina.   I am assuming he showers every day in the marina bath house before he heads off to work in an auto parts store... oh so attractive. He likened his living situation to that of taking up residence in a walk-in closet and professed that it was something "everyone should do once". Ummmm... no thanks David... I'll let you try it first! Oh yeah and I bought my own drink...can you say LOSER!!!!!! Second date was with a 29 year old chef... who upon the conclusion of our lunch date on a Tuesday afternoon in broad daylight, proceeded to grab my hand and try to wrap it around his... well, you get the idea. Although I was extremely flattered that I could produce that effect over chips and salsa... it was not happening. So maybe this site is not perfect either, doubtful that any of them are but I am finally feeling like getting out there and seeing what the world has to offer, no matter how pathetic and horny they are. Another date this Saturday with a 33 year old who has a lot of tattoos. I am trying to keep an open mind and date people that may be completely opposite of me just for shits and giggles. As my best friend pointed out the other day... this might be the only chance I have again in my life to do this, to just be free and do whatever the hell I want with whomever the hell I want. Or on the other hand I could be single for the rest of my days to be slutting around with youngsters... who knows???? I guess the point is who really cares right now? I don't, I have been thru hell this past year and the hell continues... see next blog post... so I am trying to just have a little fun, a few stolen moments. Can ya blame me?

You'll show me your what if I do...huh????

Monday, September 10, 2012

Another birthday in the books and this is how it began... margaritas... which I may never drink again!!! There will be no pics posted of how it ended, no one in their right mind would want to see that. It was an interesting 42nd  that's for sure. The day started out just as a pretty normal Saturday chock full of kids activities to which I had to schlep myself at the same time I would have to get up and go to work. Yes, even on my birthday I got up at 6:30, ugh. But even if their Dad was around to take them, or on the rare occasion that he does, I feel guilty for missing an event. So I am not complaining, I love watching them and they love that I am there cheering them on.
The rest of the day pretty much went by in a blur. I spent the second half with all of my girlfriends out on the lake laughing and being crazy and drinking way too much. We saw a movie being filmed, well sort of.  We saw  some guys dressed up in all black military type clothes walking around looking official. They claimed to be filming a movie, in hindsight we maybe should have asked exactly what variety of movie they were making. Looked pretty low budget. We met a group of young gentlemen with an interesting display of brands on their bodies. Yes, brands, as in set a hot poker on fire and sear my skin with  ummm... Idk... fraternity letters? My  BF was offered the chance to see a branded penis in exchange for a kiss... this is a first and will perhaps go down as the funniest moment of the night. She declined but I must admit  we were all a tad curious. I mean, who would do that??? We made it to a local bar later in the evening and proceeded to try desperately to relive our youth buy drinking rounds of shots, dancing our asses off, flirting shamelessly with random dudes and just generally having fun. Sunday was not so much fun, it was a complete waste of a day on this planet for me and undoubtedly several of my other partners in crime. My question is why do we do this?? We are grown women and we can not party like rock stars anymore but we sure as shit try to disprove this theory on every birthday or girls night out. I am not 21 anymore and drinking isn't nearly as much fun as it used to be, the hangovers are down right brutal. Sunday was spent laying around, watching Bravo re-runs, eating pizza and drinking gallons of water and diet coke in an attempt to rehydrate which was challenging to say the least. I feel like I pretty much blew all of my efforts at being healthy last week. So today I am back at it and here is my plan:

Monday - Friday:  Track every morsel on My Fitness Pal and stick to your 1210 calories oh brilliant one!!!!

Cardio: Run 3 times this week and get thru week 4 of C25K... times a wasting and Oct. 27 will be here before you know it! You don't want to look like an ass at your first real 5k.


Eat clean for 5 days straight. You know you feel so much better when you do and your body thanks you by looking fit and fabulous at 42! Well, not fit yet but working on it!
So I am pretty sucky at these in the mirror photos but no one was home and I actually thought I looked pretty cute on my birthday...  for an old bag. Loving my hot pink Capri's. These are one size smaller than the pants I was wearing at the beginning of the summer... so theres that! Here's to making this week a tone setter for my 43rd year on this planet!

Happy Birthday 2 Me

Friday, September 7, 2012
I still love my birthday even at 42, well tomorrow anyway. Is that weird? I was feeling so good this morning really looking forward to a fun weekend. I am out to dinner tonight with 2 best buddies from college who share the same bday week. Checking out a restaurant that is highly recommended for farm to table local cuisine. Can't wait. Tomorrow after 3, yes 3 football games I will be heading to the lake for an outing on the boat with all of my best girlfriends. Another dinner, and lots o drinking for sure! MIL is keeping the kiddies for me as I have no idea even where crazy pants is this week. He's hiding because he owes me a support payment. As this day has gone on I have become more subdued as I ponder my bank account, the price of gas, much needed car repairs and the fact that I don't get paid again till next Friday. I don't know how I will make it... seriously. Is it wrong for me to want to go out and celebrate my bday when I am totally broke? I should stay home and not spend a dime all weekend. But then I think "fuck it" I'm only turning 42 once and how often does your birthday fall on a Saturday??? I know there is a real answer for that but who cares!My point is I am going to be Scarlett O'Hara all weekend and not think about it till tomorrow. Monday will be here soon enough. I think I deserve to be happy on this birthday, I made it thru an incredibly difficult year and I am so much better off than I was a year ago. I am stronger thru all of the hard times and I am going to celebrate like a rock star this weekend. Say a little prayer that my friends and random cute guys buy me drinks:) Cheers!

Kurt & Goldie...sigh...

Thursday, September 6, 2012
I have had a crush on Kurt Russell since I was a kid. I remember seeing him in a TV movie portraying Elvis and I was hooked. It was 1979.. I was nine years old and the man did it for me. I am pretty sure I have seen every movie he has ever made starting with the Escape from NY saga where he brought the infamous Snake Plissken to life in 1981. The man is just sex on legs for me, his smiling eyes, the dimples, the long-ish sexy hair and just the general manly man with a sweet side that he always seems to portray on film. I LOVE HIM.  I would have made a great Mrs. Kurt Russell had he ever been in the market for marriage after his first divorce in 1983, never mind that I was only 13, we could have made it work!!!! But alas, during the time of his divorce he just happened to re-connect with an old friend during the making of Swingshift (remember that one?) a certain Goldie Hawn and the rest as they say is history. They have been together now for 29 years, not married, but call me crazy every time I see them in a photo or what have you they look genuinely happy. Hmmm....
I am thinking about what kind of relationship I am really looking for next. In my especially bitter moments I say "screw men, never again will I be in a relationship" but come on, I know I can not live without love, passion and especially penis (yes I said it)  for the rest of my life. But marriage, I am pretty sure, I may actually be well suited to living with out it. Maybe, possibly, I am leaning decidedly in this direction. Take Kurt and Goldie for example. Maybe they are on to something here? I mean why do I need to ever get married again? I have my kids, not having anymore or I would remarry. I think you kind of should if you plan to start a new family. I have had the big fancy wedding, honeymoon in Hawaii, been walked down the aisle and danced with my Dad, forced my best friends to wear ugly dresses so I could look stunning standing next to them, got the diamonds, china, silver and floated around in a dress made of tulle fit for a princess for an entire day, complete with blinged out tiara. (I thought I was the  I have had it all as far as weddings go. No desire to do that again.   So even if next time I get married barefoot on the beach with tattoos for wedding bands (which is a secret hope of mine) what is it that I need from marriage? I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be with me, not because he feels like he has to or is stuck with me. Lots of people stay in relationships because, lets face it, divorce is a giant pain in the ass, take it from me. (They just cheat, see previous blog post) Do people like Kurt & Goldie stay together for 29 years because they feel they have to? I don't think so. This is what I want. Real love, at least it appears to be by my standards and for Hollywood, unheard of. I googled images of them for this post and there are pages of them through out the years. They look like true friends, companions, lovers... people who enjoy being together. They are seen getting coffee, walking their dogs, watching ball games, shopping, every day mundane stuff as well as red carpet events and the like. And kissing...a lot (with their eyes closed, faces smushed like no one is watching), holding hands, always physically connected in most of these photos... it's telling I think. Google them... you will see what I mean.  This is what I want. My next relationship to tell this story. A story of 2 that can't imagine being 1 without the other. But I don't think it requires marriage, I really don't.
I forgive you Kurt for not taking me as your teen bride and  I am happy for you. I am terribly jealous of you Goldie but I like whatcha did there! I am sure you guys fight and annoy the shit out of each other like all couples do but I think you may be on to something here. Bravo and many, many happy. I should be so lucky:)

Revelation time...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

After a 3 day weekend I usually come back to work feeling a bit tired and cheated, as if it went by too fast,  I ate and drank too much and didn't get nearly enough sleep. I guess I generally feel like crap after a holiday because I go completely crazy and overindulge because I feel I deserve it. So this weekend because my car needs brakes, gas is $4.00 a gallon, I am totally broke and my 2 best friends were OOT (out of town) I stayed home and did practically nothing. I had my kiddoes part of the weekend nights only ( so awesome for my newly single social life) because loser ex husband still has no where to live so can't keep them over night. What ev... maybe someday he will get his shit together. I doubt it but I remain hopeful. Actually I had them Sat. during the day as well and we spent the day lounging at the pool which was very nice and extremely unproductive unless you count a slightly burned face and some additional good golden brown to the legs, which I do. So in and effort not to feel like a total slob and loser with no life I did the requisite household chores in addition to watching mediocre movies and drinking copious amounts of wine. Poor SJP, she really is a one hit wonder as Carrie Bradshaw... don't bother renting How Does She Do It?. She doesn't, she really, truly sucks.  I do, however, recommend The Hunger Games if in fact you are the only other person besides me on the planet who has not seen it. It was a bit disturbing because I have kids and I immediately was forced to imagine my babies in such a setting, but it was good none the less.

So here is the important stuff that I learned this weekend. I am starting to feel almost... almost content with my life. There is nothing like really doing nothing and not going anywhere for 2 or 3 days to really make you take stock of your situation. I am on the go so much that even though I was a little stir crazy at odd moments over the weekend it was nice to not have to be anywhere at all. Which really makes me stop and think about the direction I want to go in the future relationship wise. I have been doing this for 2 years now, living essentially as a single mom/person. How is this going to be if I actually find someone to date or...for heaven's sake... settle down into a serious relationship with. Will I be able to have those weekends with someone else? Do I want someone around when I am being a lazy, movie watching, wine drinking ... er... person? I guess the point is that I am ok with where I am, for the most part. I really think I am. Now if I could just convince my friends to stop forcing me to go on blind dates with serial killer-ish men who are stalking me on because I need the practice!!! Really, I think I am good right now!

Another thing I learned is that if you stay home, have only healthy foods (wine doesn't count) in your house and cook/bake your meals and snacks, trying to eat as clean as possible and still enjoy the weekend, you can actually LOSE 2 lbs. I knew my shorts were looser yesterday and sure enough when I got on the scale today... BOOM Dynamite... 2 more freaking pounds!!!! The clean eating stuff is really working and I am NOT even doing it 100% of the time... I am so not perfect. Again I say, imagine what I could do if I were really going hardcore. How to I obtain more of this quality??? Where can I buy it? Oh well, I am working on this.

Anyway, cheers to a short week and so looking forward to my birthday on Saturday!!

K. Stew I feel your pain....

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I have been thinking a lot about cheating lately. It seems that at this point in my life a large number of my close friends relationships are in various but definite stages of, well... disarray. I think back to maybe 15 years ago when we were all getting married for the first time and how idealistic we were about marriage and relationships. I used to think there was nothing worse than cheating or being cheated on. I don't really feel that way anymore, there are many things that are indeed far worse. Don't get me wrong, it's bad and I am not condoning it but I get it, I see how it can happen. Just about everyone I know when I really sit sown and think about it has had cheating touch their relationship in some form or fashion over the years. It's pretty shocking. And those are just the ones I know about, who knows how many others there are who are really good at it and never get caught. I mean, clearly it happens right??? So what does this really mean? I didn't know until I separated from my ex that there are entire websites completely devoted to helping folks find an affair partner. A friend of mine actually suggested I go that route before I really committed to getting a divorce "just in case" Lol. She meant well, really she did!

In contemplating my future it doesn't really give me a lot of hope. A friend of mine got married 6 weeks ago after a 3 year relationship and informed me yesterday that he is in fact, miserable. WTF???? I knew he was making a mistake but no, he did not listen to me. I guarantee you if he stays married he will be cheating at some point. Another friend of mine who is going thru a 3rd...yes 3rd divorce is thinking about getting it on with her ex who is currently married to the woman he cheated on her with. I know you are probably thinking what kind of people does this girl hang out with??? This is exactly the point, these are normal, suburban, educated, employed, regular people. You would never know or suspect, at least I never would have until now.

So why does everyone cheat? Okay, I know it's not really everyone but why so many? Are they just that miserable, need excitement, hate their spouse, fallen out of love, no will power, sex addicts, met their soul mate, all of the above?? Can you put it back together if someone cheats? Can you eventually have a successful relationship with the person you cheated with, even though it started out totally shady? Hmmm...  and what about poor Kristen Stewart? Will she be labeled a home wrecker forever? And who really cares anyway??? Lol. I didn't cheat on my ex but I get it. Totally.Maybe the real question I should be asking is why do so many people get married again and again and break their vows?  I think I am just going to stay single for awhile. No, I am... for sure. Or at least until I find my next soul mate ha ha.

It's Official... I'm going to HELL!!!!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Funny thing happened to me last night. I'm laying in bed at 11:00 just turned out the light and my phone goes off... txt message. Hoping against hope that it was someone I really wanted to hear from, I mean only certain people would txt me at 11:00 on a Sunday night, I immediately reached for it thinking it would be a nice unexpected hello or something equally pleasant. WRONG!!!! It was the very first flat out ugly message I have received from a guy on Apparently 'ronniejones2853' felt the overwhelming need  to send me an email quoting Corinthians something or other that it is a SIN (yes he actually put it in all caps) to remarry and if I divorce my husband I am going to HELL (again with the caps). And then some bullshit about "Jesus loves you" and "Be Holy" and that was it. I almost fell out of bed upon reading the message.  I literally would not have believed that anyone could be so self righteous as to send such a message to a complete stranger on an Internet dating site. I mean the vast majority of users are divorced. I wonder if he is sending all of the divorced ladies he looks at such positive, spiritually uplifting messages? I was a little freaked out too like you know when you get that feeling after you read something like that that someone is watching you or just really trying to get to you on a personal level? And he did, for a minute... then I got pissed. I immediately fired off a "report a user" email to the match police and proceeded to block his pathetic religious nut bag self from contacting me ever again. But I did sneak a peek at his profile one last time just to see where he got off saying shit like that. I knew I recognized him from a previous view, and sure enough there he was again. All white pants and blue blazer sitting on a ridiculous gilded velvet covered settee... yes I just used the word settee... a fancy pants ugly ass gold and velvet love seat. Looks like mr "ronniejones 2853" has quite the inflated ego judging by his ridiculous profile pictures standing in front of swirling staircases and pink wall paper complete with lovely silk floral arrangements. He might just live in a funeral parlor. A reasonably attractive 49 year old African American male, never married but with 2 kids. Hmmmm... what does the bible say about that ronniejones????? I kind of wished I would have fired off a good one to him before eradicating his existence from my parallel universe. But what would really be the point? I am a religious person but I would never dream of using my religious views to try to put some one else down. I cannot for the life of me understand what kind of person would. So another check in the negative column for I am really not sure if this is worth the effort at all.

Eating working... huh???

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

So... I have been on a major (for me anyway) kick to change my eating and exercise habits, stop being such a fat ass and just generally try to be a better example for my kids and a healthier fitter Mommy. As I said a major attempt for me...  not going balls to the wall and being a totally o.c.d.  food Nazi or out of control gym rat.  So I have been making small mindful changes, while still allowing myself to indulge in the things that I love (wine) , incorporating more exercise (ugh - running) and reading a lot about why we are all so fat.  I have been doing this all summer and it seems to be working and I am really only doing it half-assed!! Imagine what I could do if I really tried??? Oy... I am so weak... But I am trying to be better:)))) I wish I had taken my measurements at the beginning of the summer because I feel it in my clothes more than see it on the scale.  Scale says about 10-12 lbs in last 6 weeks but it really feels like more. I think... think... it's the combination of the running and trying to eat clean. And by clean I mean eating real food, like stuff with 6 ingredients or less on the label and all stuff you can pronounce. I have been reading a great book called The Eat Clean Diet Recharged by Tosca Reno and it just makes so much sense, I mean it is common sense after all.  Any way I am feeling pretty amazeballs about myself because people are starting to notice, and not just drunk friends Lol, like real people out in the world... bonus!!!! So my next mini challenge is to really commit for a couple of weeks hard core. I have been cheating thus far and feeling so much better it really makes me wonder how I would feel if I just cut all the shit out??? I am sleeping better, have more energy, less bloat and my skin has been pretty consistently glowing for the last little bit here anyway. I think this could be the start of a really amazing lifestyle change for me and my kiddoes ( although I am tricking them into it totally).

Oh... and I finally filed for divorce. Yipeee!!!! Nothing is signed, agreed to, notarized, etc. but we have a court date of October 1st so maybe I can scare douche bag into signing or facing a contempt charge (not really but he won't know this). The saga continues...

Back to the Grind...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I can hardly believe I have not written anything in weeks. I haven't really even been super crazy busy so I am not sure what my excuse is. Lots going on as always but just the normal crazy... well almost. What should I update first???? Hmmm... Divorce... ok! Well there is a whole lot of nothing going on there. Due largely to lack of funds. Seems attorneys, unlike architects and designers, will absolutely not work for free. Who knew this was the absolutely best way to make money??? I assure you no one in my line of work would ever operate this way... Lol. Seriously though I am making payments... the dreaded payment plan that has thus become the way of life for me. It seems to be the only way I can get shit done or bought and paid for as the case may be. They won't do anymore work for me until I am at a zero balance... bloodsuckers. Ha , no really they are way smarter than I in matters financial. The good news is I have all of the original documents so now I just need to get my ass to the courthouse and file them. This FRIDAY I am taking an early lunch and gettin her done!!! If it kills me I swear!! No more excuses and no more waiting for ex who is just constantly dragging his heels with one thing or another. Turns out he ended up in the hospital ( better than the hoosegow) 2 weeks ago with double pneumonia and an irregular heartbeat for 4 days, with no insurance, and calling me crying that he was going to die. Oh the drama that will surely cease to exist in my life when he just moves on. I can't wait. He was actually quite sick but on a completely curable level so the drama really wasn't necessary but he brought it anyway. I was there for him, did my ex-wifely duties and went to the hospital twice. Just made me realize even more that I am so ready to move on. Keep ya posted on Friday filing.

What else? School started last week so I am back to being super full time single mom, working mom and after hours chauffeur. We are back in  the groove of getting up super early  and getting ourselves out the door (not that I wasn't doing that all summer long) everyday with pretty little drama thus far. I did not miss rooting thru back packs, checking homework, signing papers and packing lunches every night before I can climb in the sack that is for sure. But I am a routine junkie, I really get off on it, I like knowing exactly what is coming next so having a jam packed schedule really is right up my alley!

Oh  yeah and I started training for my first real 5k!!! I know all of the runners out there are probably laughing their skinny runner asses off right now but this is a huge deal for me. I am not a runner, never have been, maybe never will be but this is a bucket list kind of thing. Plus I have embarked on extreme weight loss journey simultaneously so this is kind of killing two with one you know? I have lost 10 lbs so far and my ass is clearly shrinking so I am thrilled. I am going back and forth between loving and hating the running. I am doing the C25k (Couch to 5k) interval training program and, well, it's hard. But I am determined. I am going to do this, for me. I am on week 3 of 9 in the program and it is definitely starting to kick my ass but as I said, ass looking a wee bit smaller so ...I'll take it. More on this little journey later.

Lots of good stuff coming, I feel it. More soon!

Shit My Friend R Says.....

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Do you have any friends that are constantly saying shit you didn't really think of but once it gets in your head you can't stop thinking about it? Well I do and as annoying as it is he always makes me think, whether I agree with him or not. I think this is a good thing. It is super cool to have a guy friend who does this because their perspective is totally different. My inclination is to always assume he is wrong or his thinking is jaded or skewed in some manner... but often it is not. Last night we were chatting about our failed marriages, a common topic for us it seems, and he started talking about how women become co-dependant on their children. It irritated me the minute he said it, I am always getting onto him about sweeping generalizations about women. Guys who have been hurt tend to make them alot. His point was that this is a big factor in why marriages fail. When women become mothers their husbands needs tend to get put on the back burner and life revolves around the kids. Well, yes I have heard this and I do not completely disagree, but my situation was the complete opposite. And it irritates the crap out of me that I never really thought about it the way he put it. (Which I will tell him, because we are friends and it will inflate his giant male ego a little coming from me. But hey, we can all use that once in awhile)

So here's the deal. I am sure there are countless men out there that can relate to the above scenario. But after I started really thinking about it this is exactly one of the big problems I faced in my marriage but in reverse of the way it normally happens. After we had kids is really when our relationship started changing drastically. Now I know you are saying "Well, umm, yeah... what did you think was going to happen???" I know, I know but it wasn't the way I thought it would be and it just got worse over time. In a nutshell my husband always, from kid one, put the kids before me and our marriage. I knew it at the time but I felt so guilty for even thinking about being pissed about it. After all he was being a great, hands on , loving, doting daddy... with just about every spare second he had. Any other spare time was usually allotted for friends and I was most often the distant third. By the time I started actually saying hey... what about me??? I think that he was so set in his pattern that it was hard to change it. Would have taken a serious commitment on his part and his response was more often than not, just plan a date, get a sitter, tell me what you want to do. What I wanted was for him to do all of that. Maybe I never said it but I think I did. He was just not that way, not the planner. I wonder if there are men out there that try to get their wives out and away from the kids with no success or little interest? I think this must be somewhat typical as I know I have heard men say it, pretty sure I have seen men complaining about it on Oprah a time or two. But how often does this happen to women? Is it really a co-dependency as my friend R says? And what does that really mean? I think what it really is/was in my case was my husband thinking that the parent child relationship is the most important one in the family. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! The most important relationship in the family is that of the husband and wife. From that, whether it is good or bad, the tone is set for the life of the family. If you fail to put it first and it fails, there will be no more family. You end up with a big fat miserable divorce. So, thanks to my pal R I think about this shit. It's too late for me now but I think this is a good lesson to learn. If, for any reason you put anything or anyone before your marriage the chances of making it work are pretty slim, sadly even if it's your kids. Lesson learned.

On the Eve of Independence Day!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What a completely weird couple of weeks it has been. I do truly know the feeling of two steps forward one step back. Or is it the other way around? Either way I am making progress and as the 4th of July is tomorrow I thought it a fitting time to ponder a bit on what independence truly means to me, and maybe what I think it means to those close to me. My ex is coming around once again to a rational thought process, in no small part to my 13 year old daughter. She has been instrumental in mediating this latest horrific argument of who gets the house and why in this divorce. I did not ask her to step in, tried to keep her out but she is, in fact, my daughter and telling her she can't do something is sometimes the most motivating factor of all. Ugh.. she is so much like me. We may get to stay in the house a bit longer. I am still packing but it looks as if my ex is taking pity on my children and not making them change schools. This has been a devastating concept to my oldest as it is her last year of middle school. We shall see, won't believe it till he signs and gets the hell out!

Back to independence. I have always felt pretty independent except for the time in my life when I had small babies and wasn't working, feeling very dependent on my husband at the time. I have felt independent in my in my marriage for some time now. Living my own life, no husband around most of the time. Just me and the kids doing what we do on a day to day basis. Even when soon to be ex is in town I am living pretty independently, allowing him to be with the kids and trying to stay out of their way. Lately I have been so excited at the thought of complete independence even though it comes with a huge set of price tags. Having my own house with just me and my kids and totally being a single independent woman sounds like heaven after what I've been through. If I stay in my marital home even if he moves out, which is now apparently back on the table, can I really be independent? I am just not sure. Is independence worth giving up home ownership and becoming a renter at age 41? Is it worth the financial instability that I fear will get worse as I really truly own nothing but a car and some furniture? Ugh, never in a million years thought I would be here. On the flip side, no one in the world would have a key to my house but me. No one could stop by and walk in unannounced. No one... i.e. ex-mother in law could let herself in in the middle of the day while I'm at work to drop off pajamas the kids left at her house.  Independence sounds great but how much am I willing to give up to achieve it?

I feel it coming in waves, it ebbs and flows. Some times I feel so strong and others pathetic and horribly weak. But I am taking the steps to independence, baby steps but none the less. I will be thinking about that as the sky lights up above me tonight. Happy 4th!

Forward March....

Friday, June 22, 2012
What a shitty week it's been. I had so much hope that my ex would sign the papers. Instead the complete opposite, he pretty much refused ever to sign. Went back on everything he said he would agree to. In fact now I am pretty sure that all along he has been lying to me, just buying himself more time in the house, with the kids, while I do everything and he does nothing. We had the worst fight of our entire married life on Tuesday night. It was truly awful but in a funny way life changing. I now know exactly where I stand, I am officially out of limbo. But... I have to move, pack up my kids and 11 years worth of stuff and life and memories and find a new place. This makes me very sad and I have shed more than a few tears this week over it. If we could work together I know the kids and I could stay, but we can't, he won't allow me to stay there and he said he won't ever leave. So there you have it. On the other hand the thought of having my own house, my very own space for me and my kids that he can't barge into on a moments notice is absolutely thrilling. As I ran to the window last night when I heard a truck go by thinking it was him pulling into the driveway, it struck me. Maybe I won't have to do that in my own house, my new space. How wonderful that would be.

So we file on Monday without a settlement agreement and go from there. Ugh... mediation, more legal fees, makes me sick to think about it. Thank God my family will be able to help me. I feel so sorry for my ex, he is going to end up miserable and our children will suffer for his selfish actions once again. So you might ask why I post this picture today, after this horrible week, filled with pain and sadness and tears. This was taken last night at my kids swim meet and this is my beautiful 6 year old daughter. I have been to every meet this year, their father has not been to one. This is why I can keep going everyday, one smile, one hug, one "Mommy I'm so glad you're here" and it is all worth it. Will all be worth it when it's done. So I keep going! Forward.

Waiting to exhale...

Monday, June 18, 2012
Today might be the day I have been waiting for for a very long time. Soon to be ex has agreed to give me answer as to whether or not he will sign the papers today. He's only had them for almost a month. We've been drafting them now for 6 months with little to no input from him. So last night I got completely fed up and started texting him from my room upstairs to his room in the basement... so pathetic I know... financial reasons or not don't ever do this. Talking to my BF yesterday and as always she is telling me I'm being too nice, start hounding him, force him to make a decision or make it for him. I know she's right but I am a wimp and he is very good at gaining my sympathy when he starts talking about not being with the kids and his health problems, none of these are documented by the way... more aches and pains he complains about. And true to form that's what he said last night as well as "leave me alone" and "stop harassing me". Well, I didn't. I told him to act like a adult man and make a decision. I sent several texts last night that I should have sent or better yet said, months ago. He then tells me he has been advised to seek legal counsel. Oh really???? After 6 mos. you decide why yes, I think I should have an attorney too??? I panicked, dollar signs flashing before my eyes thinking about how much more it will cost me to start all over and with another attorney involved. At least another five grand for sure. Seriously wanted to throw up in my bed. But I actually did the opposite, sent one more text. "Please make arrangements to move out asap. I will instruct my attorney to file tomorrow." Actually there was one more after that about me not being able to live in limbo anymore but that was just having the last word. I hardly slept last night, wondering if I did the right thing. How long can he expect me to go on this way??? How much can one person take? I am pretty sure I have been the most patient woman on the planet and no one, none of my friends understands it. I don't understand it either. Some of it is fear, lack of money for attorney fees, but overwhelmingly I just don't want to hurt anyone, even him. As bad as he has been, as many mean evil things he has said and done to me (and I do not mean anything abusive or illegal) I just still worry that he will not be able to handle all of this. Will crumble and give up when he realizes he has to grow up and no one is there to take care of him.
He begged me this morning not to do anything today, that he would give me an answer by the end of the day. I didn't respond but I haven't made the call yet either. He better give me the right answer. If he doesn't all bets are off and I'm not looking forward to that. Divorce sucks. Do I really need another job???

Friday, June 15, 2012
So this just may be an exercise in complete madness but I have decided to join Ok, my best friend and I decided, late at night, over wine that I should join first to test it out for both of us. And for some strange reason I thought this sounded like a winner. Must have been the wine.

There actually is a category on Match for the currently separated folks in limbo like me. Although I am sure this is by far the least desirable relationship status out there for would be matches thank God it exists. So after spending days reading about men and what they are looking for nowadays I have come to a few conclusions that I would like to expand upon.

Let me start out by saying there are a lot of complete whack jobs on the Internet and apparently... they dig this one right here. In the first couple of days on Match I have been emailed by a some completely drop dead gorgeous men wanting to chat with me... on Yahoo... not Match. Turns out this is most likely scammers from Nigeria trying to get me to send them money for a plane ticket to come see me. Great!
I am also getting a lot of attention I guessed based on my pictures alone because they are definitely not reading the profile it took me days to carefully craft. Wait... aren't you supposed to actually read about the person to see if you might be a match??? Guess not. Do you really think we can have a relationship of any kind if you live across the country? I am not looking for a pen pal, don't email me. If you want 10 kids, don't email me, I have 3 and as my profile states I'm done. If you are 5'-2" I really don't care if you are a doctor, you are just too short for me. If you pastimes include watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns please move along, how does that qualify as active? And I don't want to join you on your "walk with the Lord".

I have only sent one match email so far and that was to ask for a picture. No response. Why would you put up a profile without a picture? You can't be that hideous, just bite the bullet and take a cheesy mirror photo like every other ass hat out there does! Seriously... bathroom mirror... with your shirt off??? Really??? And make sure you have a reasonably normal screen name. D you really think that a woman wants a guy who goes by shiningarmor4u2 or needalife, funromantic, thirdsacharm, biggunluver... put a little thought into it please. Can't be good if you're turnin me off with you name!

I am thinkin this is going to be a numbers game. I need to decide exactly how much effort I am willing to put forth sitting on my couch at night sifting thru emails and "winks" and profiles. I need to get up the courage to just send one of these cuties a note. I just don't know if this is for me or not... jury still out.

This is going to be my first tatoo... perfect:)

2nd Marriage Stats... Depressing....

So just out of curiosity I googled the divorce rate for 2nd marriage... 67%. Wow!!!! My best friend is currently going thru her 3rd divorce. I think the 3rd was like 75% or something equally awful. I am only going thru my first but I am seriously wondering if it is really worth ever doing this again. I love being married, I'll just say it, love all things wifely. But those are some pretty crappy odds when you get right down to it. I have another friend who is about to pop the question to his girl and head down the second marriage road. His relationship is far from perfect and I think he's nuts, but he's lonely and determined not to break this girls heart... they've been together for 2 years off and on... he thinks it's the right thing to do. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

What is wrong with everyone??? Is everyone really that lonely that they are willing to go down that road again and again. I don't know if I ever will. I love being married, but it's a whole lotta work and a complete shitshow when it's not working! I want to believe but it can't just be my friends that are making bad decisions. I am still in divorce hell waiting for my soon to be ex-numb-nuts to sign his portion of the papers. I can imagine being married again and it being wonderful. What I can't imagine is living thru the hell of divorce again... and it seems the more often you marry the more likely you are to get divorced. When you put it that way it actually makes perfect sense. Still completely depressing.

Do we really need a provision for adult sleepovers?

I think I finally understand why divorce attorneys make so much money. It is seriously tedious business trying to dismantle a marriage and years of a life joined as one. I am both shocked and amazed at how many things have to be touched on in terms of what every possible future scenario could bring about when getting a divorce. It seems like you should just split it all 50-50 and call it done. I was pretty much willing to go that route until my lawyers got involved. I do understand that it is their job to make sure I am protected and they have been great... thinking of things I never would have. But... some of this stuff is just plain ridiculous, some just perplexing.

First I will give you my favorite example of ridiculousness: "Furniture Arbitration" Yes, you heard me. According to my settlement agreement if my ex husband and I cannot agree with in 60 days of signing the document who gets what as far as furniture, we must hire a "furniture arbitrator" and go to "furniture arbitration".
Can you believe such a thing exists? This is a real job? Talk about not looking forward to work every day!!! Is a sofa, a chair a table really that important? Now I have some antiques and family pieces that I would fight for but honestly my ex would never want them. This must be a problem for the uber rich. I think a better idea for this type of disagreement is get yourself a chainsaw and get ready for a big ole' bonfire.

This next one is actuallly complicated and I have definitely struggled with it. There is no name for it so I have dubbed it the "adult sleepover provision" but it is the classic definition of the double edged sword if you ask me. I am not sure I'll ever get married again but I am quite sure I am down for plenty more adult sleepovers! I decided that this will not be a part of my divorce decree on either side...Lol.

The Sexual Chore Chart

Monday, April 16, 2012

So... I've been thinking, about chores. Nasty word, I know, but the stuff that has to be done that makes us nuts, that we hate. The men in our lives just don't get it, they don't help. But what if they had incentive? Every mom in the world has at one time or another instituted a chore chart in their home. The really good mommies stick too it and based on what they tell me (this I would not know) it works. Would it work for men? Well... since men are basically giant, overgrown children, I am thinking yes.

What if every chore had a value attached to it? Of a sexual nature?

Let's face it, men don't do chores willingly, most of them. If you have  a man that does you are one of the lucky ones... trust me. I have been talking to my girlfriends and the overwhelming opinion is that they don't help and we are always tired. Tired of laundry, cooking, cleaning, organizing, ironing, scrubbing floors, toilets, folding, putting away.... oh the dreaded putting away of the clean laundry. There are just not enough hours in the day, whether you are a working mom or not. I have been both and either way you are often just exhausted at the end of the day and bitter about how much you have to do. When you go to bed at night are you ready to be sexy and throw down with your man? After wiping butts and noses all day or working you ass off in the office, racing to daycare, trying to put a healthy meal on the table, doing homework, driving to endless activities...are you really in the mood? Well, you might be... say if he came home and did more than sit on the couch and catch up on the  sports scores, read the paper ,play online poker, computer games, go for a himself...grrrr.

Could this work? I mean men pretty base right? I presented this to on of my guy friends and I think he was kind of put off by it. He said sex should always come before work. Oh really???? When is the last time your man got out of bed after sex and vacuumed or folded a load of laundry? How about never. I am going to get to work on this chart and make one of my married friends test out this theory!

Staying together for the kids...

I just read an article about this and it is something I have struggled with for a very long time. Is it ever the right thing to do? And when is... when is it not? I have made my decision and it has been hard... really hard. The thing that surprises me most, even in this article is how many people think you should stay, and why. I have a couple of close friends who have urging me in that direction for the last couple of years and it has made me so mad on virtually every occasion. I just don't see why you stay together if you are not happy, in love, kind to each other ot unable to be civil. This has been on my mind for days, bugging me. Today, in this moment, I don't think that people really change. And given that why should you stay together for the kids? If you are not able to change and fix things for yourself or each other you are certainly not going to do it for the kids. Agree or disagree?
Perfect blue. I want this in my home! Although in my house it would be covered with Lego's and most likely a barbie or two. 

Friday, March 23, 2012
I Just Love.

Just Dumb

Thursday, March 22, 2012
Did you ever just have a day where you felt dumb... just plain stupid and foolish? Completely out of sorts? Like you are walking around in someone else's head and body? I hate that feeling and I have been feeling it all day long.  My life seems to be at a virtual standstill in some aspects and yet still spinning out of control. How is this possible? I was talking to a new friend last night who is 2 years out on her divorce and she just had to point out to me that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Grrrreat!!! That is just what I needed to hear. I know she meant well but it has really set me off kilter all day. I mean I know this logically is true. I have gotten past only a small handful of the tough moments in comparison to what lies ahead. I know this. I feared most in the beginning actually telling people... i.e. my husband. I thought he might go completely insane which he did for a few weeks, that was not fun. Threatening to leave us high and dry and never look back... such a nice way of dealing with your problems. So that's out of the way, paperwork nearing a close, custody arranged, child support worked out,  but there are still so many unknowns. I am scared to death. I wish I had the luxury of breaking down, sobbing, curling up in a ball and having someone there to tell me "it's all gonna be ok". This is what I miss about marriage... having some one there to catch you. At least that's how I always imagined marriage to be, sadly mine was not that way. I guess the unknown I fear the most is that I will never find this, does it really even exist? Today I am feeling decidedly like it does not.

Friends with Benefits, A New Trend? I Think Not

Monday, March 19, 2012
So, I have really been pondering this one hard lately. This seems to be all the rage these days but I keep thinking to myself "Isn't this just what we used to call a booty call?". Let me expand on that a little. If you have read any of my blog you know I am getting a divorce finally, after living 2 years in the same house but completely separately... (bad idea... don't ever try that, just get divorced). So over the last 7 months I have been testing this theory that having a friend with benefits is really the way to go and can be the perfect solution for two people for a variety of different reasons. I know, I know... I'm not divorced yet officially... don't judge me. I recently turned 40 and I am feeling fabulous and frankly... in need of a man.

My "friend" is someone I have known for 10+ years. We used to all hang out in a group of married couples thru which we had mutual married couple friends. He is now divorced for 2 years. He and I always had a little mutual flirtation but never acted on it because for all intents and purposes we were both reasonably happy in our marriages. To make a long story short we lost touch over the years but reconnected last year thru... yep, you guessed it... CrackBook....aghhhhh... such a cliche I know.

After a short (I know, I know... I am sounding a tad slutty here...don't judge me) period of time we decided to give the new friends with benefits trend a test drive and see if it could work for us. Guess what? It sounds great in theory but I think this has been waaaaayyyyy over sold as a great new option to a traditional relationship. You have to decide if you are the kind of woman/man who can actually do it (pardon the pun) and just be friends, no emotions, no strings, no expectations, romantic hopes or hearts and flowers. I tried to be that girl but as time goes by I am pretty sure I am not. I'm not picking out china or doodling his name on my notebook or anything like that but it's a very confusing relationship that puts your heart and head at complete odds. Specifically, it's not natural for human beings, in my humble opinion. Don't get me wrong, parts of it are very nice. I do now have a real friend in him and there are some real benefits to that aside from sex, which is... well...damn good. Part of me wants to end it but just as much of me wants to keep it going. Could it be more? We both agreed from the beginning we would not go there for various reasons... just too complicated given our history. But what if we crossed paths for a reason?

Verdict is still out on this one. I will have to keep you all posted. I would love to know if anyone out there has experience or opinions on this one. Right now I am thinking it's really relationship limbo... an old fashioned booty call probably  a lot less trouble.

Losing a Mother In Law; One Upside to Divorce

So I have never gotten along particularly well with my mother in law. For those of you that do... cheers to you the lucky few. We have tolerated each other to death over the course of my 16 year marriage. I really can't stand the woman but she is good to my kids for the most part and has done a lot to help us with child care over the years... sometimes we have to pay her but that will be another post all together as summer vacation is right around the corner.

What do you do when your mother in law starts talking smack about you to your kids during the divorce? She watched my kids this weekend, asked for them actually then told my oldest "it's too bad your mom is too busy playing tennis on the weekend's to spend time with you." My 13 year old daughter had to defend me. I would like to point out the fact to her that there are exactly 168 hours in a week. 40 I am working, 5 hours on Sunday I am playing tennis and/or watching my team play. That leaves 123 hours most of which are spent with my children (I know some of that we are all sleeping but you see what I am getting at). I am there day in and day out. My soon to be ex-husband travels for work, he is self-employed and this career is by his own design. He is gone a min. of 2 weeks every month, often 3 weeks. In the last 2 weeks he has spent exactly 7 hours with our children.  I am here, alone, doing it all by myself, all of the rest of the time. (Hence the divorce, this does not make for a good marriage) When he is in town he does spend a lot of time with the kids but I still do all of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, shuttling around, etc. He helps with none of it. Is it really even worth having this argument with her or should I do what I have done for years and refuse to engage? I don't ever ask for her opinion but she does tend to offer it freely.

When is it time to tell your mother in law to shove it up her $%*???

Roll On Roller Coaster

I can't get off the roller coaster. It has literally been so long since my life was just coasting along smoothly maybe I wouldn't know what to do if it was. Do we all just secretly enjoy the ups and downs or is it just that we have no choice in the matter so we have to accept it? Getting a divorce is certainly adding to the adventure for me but I feel as though it has been a really long time since my roller coaster has been on an upward turn. It jerks me around some days and I think we are going up then BAM!!!! back down I go, speeding out of control, tears welling up and I don't know why. This is what I want, have wanted for a very long time. What if I am making the wrong decision??? What if I never find another man to share my life with? Is it ever a good idea to stay with the wrong person rather than be alone?

Spent the weekend pondering this and the answer is definitely "No. It is never a good idea." How could it be good if you know it's wrong? My kids would like us to stay together for obvious reasons. How do I make them understand I am doing this largely for them? So that they have a shot at seeing what normal married life is. I am crushed by their tears and upset, to think that my failure has caused their pain. They are just starting to come to grips with how their life is going to change as am I. The roller coaster went down again this weekend but it's got to come back up soon. Until then I wait and wonder what lies ahead.

The silent treatment... better left unsaid.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I am going to have to come back to my thoughts on trust which I was going to write about next. Something is making me crazy today and more crazy means less wise. That something is... the silent treatment. Why do people think this is such a great, viable option for handling tough situations? Is there ever a good time to give someone the silent treatment say... if you think what you really want to say will hurt them. Is it better to leave it unsaid???

Part of my new reality is that I am taking a vow not to leave things unsaid. As I mentioned previously, and this goes along with the whole truth thing, my inability to speak my mind definitely played a major role in the demise of my marriage.

If you really think back do you heave more regrets over stupid things you said, or is it over the things you were too afraid to say? Not just in relationships but in life in general. I can think of soooo many things I wished I said when I had the chance. Most often the chance passes and you never get it again. This is a sobering thought. People die, move, come in and out of your life, you take a different job, graduate from school, whatever. We are constantly moving on, forward,  but away from people that will eventually become nothing more than a part of our past.

So FUCK the silent treatment!!!! I am not taking it anymore. Between cell phones, email, texts and skywriting  do you really think you can stop me anyway??? I think no... in fact you can not. You can silence yourself all you want, shove all that crap your feeling down deep and bury it. I see it's eating you alive, it's palpable. Or... here's a novel idea... talk about it. I am willing to risk the hurt, the pain of whatever the response might be to know that I said what I needed to say. Life is so short and I don't want any more instances to go by where I can say "I so wish I would have told him/her that when I had the chance." That is an awful feeling... trust me that chance rarely comes again.

I will never give anyone the silent treatment again. Or let them give it to me. I have a voice. I will speak.

The other thing that bugs me so much about it, especially today, right now, is that its just so God damned rude! I guess that's the point though sometimes.

The Truth.. Can I trust that it is?

Monday, March 5, 2012
So this may not be a funny topic but it seems to be so at the forefront of my mind as the days go by. Truth. So I am getting divorced and that is the truth. It's time to make a change, go in a new direction, start over, think about a new relationship. Truth is... this shit is scary.

It feels like so many people I know are afraid to see the truth, hear the truth, tell the truth. Why is that???? We are all taught from the beginning by our parents to always  "tell the truth" . Why is it so hard for so many people to just be honest and give it to you straight? I know in my marriage there was a lot of truth I felt I had to hide so as not to hurt my husband. He was always brutally honest with me, no regard for hurt, but I still could not tell him the truth of how I was feeling. This was definitely a big part of our downfall and I take responsibility for that.

So since hindsight is 20/20 I am now engaged in effort to just say what i feel, what I need, what I see. What I see is a lot of people around me lying and its disturbing.What is so bad about telling the truth about how you feel? After all there is no right or wrong issue here. I have a divorced friend that is constantly upset about the stuff his ex does, says, etc. And by by upset I really mean angry...really scary angry.  Yet he swears the truth is he is completely over her, put the whole past behind him and in a great place to move on. Really??? The truth of that is it really takes more emotional connection to hate than to love... my opinion. Why is it so hard to just say, "this sucks and it's going to take me a long ass time to really get over it... maybe I never really will totally"... I bet that is closer to the truth but no one says that. Wouldn't it be easier to just put it out there and get down to the business of working on it?

This brings me to my next big dilemma... trust.

Hello Crazy it's me ...

Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I don't really think I am completely crazy and neither are any of my girlfriends. We actually think that we are all brilliant, funny, amazing, smart women. It has become more and more clear to me over time that one of the biggest things we amazing chicks have in common is the men... who tell us we are crazy. As I am navigating through a divorce and talking to my girlfriends (some in the same boat as me) we often thank God for each other to stay sane. We ponder what women do who don't have the support of fabulous girls like us. Before we started sharing the gorrie details of our miserable marriages with each other we felt alone too. Funny thing happened though... when we put aside feeling embarrassed and stupid, pathetic losers long enough to share our stories we learned something. We are not the crazy ones, they are/can be/ always were just plain old douche bags who don't really deserve our fabulousness. So as we get through the hard times we seem to be laughing a lot, drinking a ton (OK maybe that's just me) crying some too but a lot of this shit is just plain funny. I hope you think so too.