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Shit My Friend R Says.....

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Do you have any friends that are constantly saying shit you didn't really think of but once it gets in your head you can't stop thinking about it? Well I do and as annoying as it is he always makes me think, whether I agree with him or not. I think this is a good thing. It is super cool to have a guy friend who does this because their perspective is totally different. My inclination is to always assume he is wrong or his thinking is jaded or skewed in some manner... but often it is not. Last night we were chatting about our failed marriages, a common topic for us it seems, and he started talking about how women become co-dependant on their children. It irritated me the minute he said it, I am always getting onto him about sweeping generalizations about women. Guys who have been hurt tend to make them alot. His point was that this is a big factor in why marriages fail. When women become mothers their husbands needs tend to get put on the back burner and life revolves around the kids. Well, yes I have heard this and I do not completely disagree, but my situation was the complete opposite. And it irritates the crap out of me that I never really thought about it the way he put it. (Which I will tell him, because we are friends and it will inflate his giant male ego a little coming from me. But hey, we can all use that once in awhile)

So here's the deal. I am sure there are countless men out there that can relate to the above scenario. But after I started really thinking about it this is exactly one of the big problems I faced in my marriage but in reverse of the way it normally happens. After we had kids is really when our relationship started changing drastically. Now I know you are saying "Well, umm, yeah... what did you think was going to happen???" I know, I know but it wasn't the way I thought it would be and it just got worse over time. In a nutshell my husband always, from kid one, put the kids before me and our marriage. I knew it at the time but I felt so guilty for even thinking about being pissed about it. After all he was being a great, hands on , loving, doting daddy... with just about every spare second he had. Any other spare time was usually allotted for friends and I was most often the distant third. By the time I started actually saying hey... what about me??? I think that he was so set in his pattern that it was hard to change it. Would have taken a serious commitment on his part and his response was more often than not, just plan a date, get a sitter, tell me what you want to do. What I wanted was for him to do all of that. Maybe I never said it but I think I did. He was just not that way, not the planner. I wonder if there are men out there that try to get their wives out and away from the kids with no success or little interest? I think this must be somewhat typical as I know I have heard men say it, pretty sure I have seen men complaining about it on Oprah a time or two. But how often does this happen to women? Is it really a co-dependency as my friend R says? And what does that really mean? I think what it really is/was in my case was my husband thinking that the parent child relationship is the most important one in the family. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! The most important relationship in the family is that of the husband and wife. From that, whether it is good or bad, the tone is set for the life of the family. If you fail to put it first and it fails, there will be no more family. You end up with a big fat miserable divorce. So, thanks to my pal R I think about this shit. It's too late for me now but I think this is a good lesson to learn. If, for any reason you put anything or anyone before your marriage the chances of making it work are pretty slim, sadly even if it's your kids. Lesson learned.

On the Eve of Independence Day!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What a completely weird couple of weeks it has been. I do truly know the feeling of two steps forward one step back. Or is it the other way around? Either way I am making progress and as the 4th of July is tomorrow I thought it a fitting time to ponder a bit on what independence truly means to me, and maybe what I think it means to those close to me. My ex is coming around once again to a rational thought process, in no small part to my 13 year old daughter. She has been instrumental in mediating this latest horrific argument of who gets the house and why in this divorce. I did not ask her to step in, tried to keep her out but she is, in fact, my daughter and telling her she can't do something is sometimes the most motivating factor of all. Ugh.. she is so much like me. We may get to stay in the house a bit longer. I am still packing but it looks as if my ex is taking pity on my children and not making them change schools. This has been a devastating concept to my oldest as it is her last year of middle school. We shall see, won't believe it till he signs and gets the hell out!

Back to independence. I have always felt pretty independent except for the time in my life when I had small babies and wasn't working, feeling very dependent on my husband at the time. I have felt independent in my in my marriage for some time now. Living my own life, no husband around most of the time. Just me and the kids doing what we do on a day to day basis. Even when soon to be ex is in town I am living pretty independently, allowing him to be with the kids and trying to stay out of their way. Lately I have been so excited at the thought of complete independence even though it comes with a huge set of price tags. Having my own house with just me and my kids and totally being a single independent woman sounds like heaven after what I've been through. If I stay in my marital home even if he moves out, which is now apparently back on the table, can I really be independent? I am just not sure. Is independence worth giving up home ownership and becoming a renter at age 41? Is it worth the financial instability that I fear will get worse as I really truly own nothing but a car and some furniture? Ugh, never in a million years thought I would be here. On the flip side, no one in the world would have a key to my house but me. No one could stop by and walk in unannounced. No one... i.e. ex-mother in law could let herself in in the middle of the day while I'm at work to drop off pajamas the kids left at her house.  Independence sounds great but how much am I willing to give up to achieve it?

I feel it coming in waves, it ebbs and flows. Some times I feel so strong and others pathetic and horribly weak. But I am taking the steps to independence, baby steps but none the less. I will be thinking about that as the sky lights up above me tonight. Happy 4th!