Did you ever just have a day where you felt dumb... just plain stupid and foolish? Completely out of sorts? Like you are walking around in someone else's head and body? I hate that feeling and I have been feeling it all day long. My life seems to be at a virtual standstill in some aspects and yet still spinning out of control. How is this possible? I was talking to a new friend last night who is 2 years out on her divorce and she just had to point out to me that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Grrrreat!!! That is just what I needed to hear. I know she meant well but it has really set me off kilter all day. I mean I know this logically is true. I have gotten past only a small handful of the tough moments in comparison to what lies ahead. I know this. I feared most in the beginning actually telling people... i.e. my husband. I thought he might go completely insane which he did for a few weeks, that was not fun. Threatening to leave us high and dry and never look back... such a nice way of dealing with your problems. So that's out of the way, paperwork nearing a close, custody arranged, child support worked out, but there are still so many unknowns. I am scared to death. I wish I had the luxury of breaking down, sobbing, curling up in a ball and having someone there to tell me "it's all gonna be ok". This is what I miss about marriage... having some one there to catch you. At least that's how I always imagined marriage to be, sadly mine was not that way. I guess the unknown I fear the most is that I will never find this, does it really even exist? Today I am feeling decidedly like it does not.
So, I have really been pondering this one hard lately. This seems to be all the rage these days but I keep thinking to myself "Isn't this just what we used to call a booty call?". Let me expand on that a little. If you have read any of my blog you know I am getting a divorce finally, after living 2 years in the same house but completely separately... (bad idea... don't ever try that, just get divorced). So over the last 7 months I have been testing this theory that having a friend with benefits is really the way to go and can be the perfect solution for two people for a variety of different reasons. I know, I know... I'm not divorced yet officially... don't judge me. I recently turned 40 and I am feeling fabulous and frankly... in need of a man.
My "friend" is someone I have known for 10+ years. We used to all hang out in a group of married couples thru which we had mutual married couple friends. He is now divorced for 2 years. He and I always had a little mutual flirtation but never acted on it because for all intents and purposes we were both reasonably happy in our marriages. To make a long story short we lost touch over the years but reconnected last year thru... yep, you guessed it... CrackBook....aghhhhh... such a cliche I know.
After a short (I know, I know... I am sounding a tad slutty here...don't judge me) period of time we decided to give the new friends with benefits trend a test drive and see if it could work for us. Guess what? It sounds great in theory but I think this has been waaaaayyyyy over sold as a great new option to a traditional relationship. You have to decide if you are the kind of woman/man who can actually do it (pardon the pun) and just be friends, no emotions, no strings, no expectations, romantic hopes or hearts and flowers. I tried to be that girl but as time goes by I am pretty sure I am not. I'm not picking out china or doodling his name on my notebook or anything like that but it's a very confusing relationship that puts your heart and head at complete odds. Specifically, it's not natural for human beings, in my humble opinion. Don't get me wrong, parts of it are very nice. I do now have a real friend in him and there are some real benefits to that aside from sex, which is... well...damn good. Part of me wants to end it but just as much of me wants to keep it going. Could it be more? We both agreed from the beginning we would not go there for various reasons... just too complicated given our history. But what if we crossed paths for a reason?
Verdict is still out on this one. I will have to keep you all posted. I would love to know if anyone out there has experience or opinions on this one. Right now I am thinking it's really relationship limbo... an old fashioned booty call probably a lot less trouble.
So I have never gotten along particularly well with my mother in law. For those of you that do... cheers to you the lucky few. We have tolerated each other to death over the course of my 16 year marriage. I really can't stand the woman but she is good to my kids for the most part and has done a lot to help us with child care over the years... sometimes we have to pay her but that will be another post all together as summer vacation is right around the corner.
What do you do when your mother in law starts talking smack about you to your kids during the divorce? She watched my kids this weekend, asked for them actually then told my oldest "it's too bad your mom is too busy playing tennis on the weekend's to spend time with you." My 13 year old daughter had to defend me. I would like to point out the fact to her that there are exactly 168 hours in a week. 40 I am working, 5 hours on Sunday I am playing tennis and/or watching my team play. That leaves 123 hours most of which are spent with my children (I know some of that we are all sleeping but you see what I am getting at). I am there day in and day out. My soon to be ex-husband travels for work, he is self-employed and this career is by his own design. He is gone a min. of 2 weeks every month, often 3 weeks. In the last 2 weeks he has spent exactly 7 hours with our children. I am here, alone, doing it all by myself, all of the rest of the time. (Hence the divorce, this does not make for a good marriage) When he is in town he does spend a lot of time with the kids but I still do all of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, shuttling around, etc. He helps with none of it. Is it really even worth having this argument with her or should I do what I have done for years and refuse to engage? I don't ever ask for her opinion but she does tend to offer it freely.
When is it time to tell your mother in law to shove it up her $%*???
I can't get off the roller coaster. It has literally been so long since my life was just coasting along smoothly maybe I wouldn't know what to do if it was. Do we all just secretly enjoy the ups and downs or is it just that we have no choice in the matter so we have to accept it? Getting a divorce is certainly adding to the adventure for me but I feel as though it has been a really long time since my roller coaster has been on an upward turn. It jerks me around some days and I think we are going up then BAM!!!! back down I go, speeding out of control, tears welling up and I don't know why. This is what I want, have wanted for a very long time. What if I am making the wrong decision??? What if I never find another man to share my life with? Is it ever a good idea to stay with the wrong person rather than be alone?
Spent the weekend pondering this and the answer is definitely "No. It is never a good idea." How could it be good if you know it's wrong? My kids would like us to stay together for obvious reasons. How do I make them understand I am doing this largely for them? So that they have a shot at seeing what normal married life is. I am crushed by their tears and upset, to think that my failure has caused their pain. They are just starting to come to grips with how their life is going to change as am I. The roller coaster went down again this weekend but it's got to come back up soon. Until then I wait and wonder what lies ahead.
I am going to have to come back to my thoughts on trust which I was going to write about next. Something is making me crazy today and more crazy means less wise. That something is... the silent treatment. Why do people think this is such a great, viable option for handling tough situations? Is there ever a good time to give someone the silent treatment say... if you think what you really want to say will hurt them. Is it better to leave it unsaid???
Part of my new reality is that I am taking a vow not to leave things unsaid. As I mentioned previously, and this goes along with the whole truth thing, my inability to speak my mind definitely played a major role in the demise of my marriage.
If you really think back do you heave more regrets over stupid things you said, or is it over the things you were too afraid to say? Not just in relationships but in life in general. I can think of soooo many things I wished I said when I had the chance. Most often the chance passes and you never get it again. This is a sobering thought. People die, move, come in and out of your life, you take a different job, graduate from school, whatever. We are constantly moving on, forward, but away from people that will eventually become nothing more than a part of our past.
So FUCK the silent treatment!!!! I am not taking it anymore. Between cell phones, email, texts and skywriting do you really think you can stop me anyway??? I think no... in fact you can not. You can silence yourself all you want, shove all that crap your feeling down deep and bury it. I see it's eating you alive, it's palpable. Or... here's a novel idea... talk about it. I am willing to risk the hurt, the pain of whatever the response might be to know that I said what I needed to say. Life is so short and I don't want any more instances to go by where I can say "I so wish I would have told him/her that when I had the chance." That is an awful feeling... trust me that chance rarely comes again.
I will never give anyone the silent treatment again. Or let them give it to me. I have a voice. I will speak.
The other thing that bugs me so much about it, especially today, right now, is that its just so God damned rude! I guess that's the point though sometimes.
So this may not be a funny topic but it seems to be so at the forefront of my mind as the days go by. Truth. So I am getting divorced and that is the truth. It's time to make a change, go in a new direction, start over, think about a new relationship. Truth is... this shit is scary.
It feels like so many people I know are afraid to see the truth, hear the truth, tell the truth. Why is that???? We are all taught from the beginning by our parents to always "tell the truth" . Why is it so hard for so many people to just be honest and give it to you straight? I know in my marriage there was a lot of truth I felt I had to hide so as not to hurt my husband. He was always brutally honest with me, no regard for hurt, but I still could not tell him the truth of how I was feeling. This was definitely a big part of our downfall and I take responsibility for that.
So since hindsight is 20/20 I am now engaged in effort to just say what i feel, what I need, what I see. What I see is a lot of people around me lying and its disturbing.What is so bad about telling the truth about how you feel? After all there is no right or wrong issue here. I have a divorced friend that is constantly upset about the stuff his ex does, says, etc. And by by upset I really mean angry...really scary angry. Yet he swears the truth is he is completely over her, put the whole past behind him and in a great place to move on. Really??? The truth of that is it really takes more emotional connection to hate than to love... my opinion. Why is it so hard to just say, "this sucks and it's going to take me a long ass time to really get over it... maybe I never really will totally"... I bet that is closer to the truth but no one says that. Wouldn't it be easier to just put it out there and get down to the business of working on it?