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Forward March....

Friday, June 22, 2012
What a shitty week it's been. I had so much hope that my ex would sign the papers. Instead the complete opposite, he pretty much refused ever to sign. Went back on everything he said he would agree to. In fact now I am pretty sure that all along he has been lying to me, just buying himself more time in the house, with the kids, while I do everything and he does nothing. We had the worst fight of our entire married life on Tuesday night. It was truly awful but in a funny way life changing. I now know exactly where I stand, I am officially out of limbo. But... I have to move, pack up my kids and 11 years worth of stuff and life and memories and find a new place. This makes me very sad and I have shed more than a few tears this week over it. If we could work together I know the kids and I could stay, but we can't, he won't allow me to stay there and he said he won't ever leave. So there you have it. On the other hand the thought of having my own house, my very own space for me and my kids that he can't barge into on a moments notice is absolutely thrilling. As I ran to the window last night when I heard a truck go by thinking it was him pulling into the driveway, it struck me. Maybe I won't have to do that in my own house, my new space. How wonderful that would be.

So we file on Monday without a settlement agreement and go from there. Ugh... mediation, more legal fees, makes me sick to think about it. Thank God my family will be able to help me. I feel so sorry for my ex, he is going to end up miserable and our children will suffer for his selfish actions once again. So you might ask why I post this picture today, after this horrible week, filled with pain and sadness and tears. This was taken last night at my kids swim meet and this is my beautiful 6 year old daughter. I have been to every meet this year, their father has not been to one. This is why I can keep going everyday, one smile, one hug, one "Mommy I'm so glad you're here" and it is all worth it. Will all be worth it when it's done. So I keep going! Forward.

Waiting to exhale...

Monday, June 18, 2012
Today might be the day I have been waiting for for a very long time. Soon to be ex has agreed to give me answer as to whether or not he will sign the papers today. He's only had them for almost a month. We've been drafting them now for 6 months with little to no input from him. So last night I got completely fed up and started texting him from my room upstairs to his room in the basement... so pathetic I know... financial reasons or not don't ever do this. Talking to my BF yesterday and as always she is telling me I'm being too nice, start hounding him, force him to make a decision or make it for him. I know she's right but I am a wimp and he is very good at gaining my sympathy when he starts talking about not being with the kids and his health problems, none of these are documented by the way... more aches and pains he complains about. And true to form that's what he said last night as well as "leave me alone" and "stop harassing me". Well, I didn't. I told him to act like a adult man and make a decision. I sent several texts last night that I should have sent or better yet said, months ago. He then tells me he has been advised to seek legal counsel. Oh really???? After 6 mos. you decide why yes, I think I should have an attorney too??? I panicked, dollar signs flashing before my eyes thinking about how much more it will cost me to start all over and with another attorney involved. At least another five grand for sure. Seriously wanted to throw up in my bed. But I actually did the opposite, sent one more text. "Please make arrangements to move out asap. I will instruct my attorney to file tomorrow." Actually there was one more after that about me not being able to live in limbo anymore but that was just having the last word. I hardly slept last night, wondering if I did the right thing. How long can he expect me to go on this way??? How much can one person take? I am pretty sure I have been the most patient woman on the planet and no one, none of my friends understands it. I don't understand it either. Some of it is fear, lack of money for attorney fees, but overwhelmingly I just don't want to hurt anyone, even him. As bad as he has been, as many mean evil things he has said and done to me (and I do not mean anything abusive or illegal) I just still worry that he will not be able to handle all of this. Will crumble and give up when he realizes he has to grow up and no one is there to take care of him.
He begged me this morning not to do anything today, that he would give me an answer by the end of the day. I didn't respond but I haven't made the call yet either. He better give me the right answer. If he doesn't all bets are off and I'm not looking forward to that. Divorce sucks. Do I really need another job???

Friday, June 15, 2012
So this just may be an exercise in complete madness but I have decided to join Ok, my best friend and I decided, late at night, over wine that I should join first to test it out for both of us. And for some strange reason I thought this sounded like a winner. Must have been the wine.

There actually is a category on Match for the currently separated folks in limbo like me. Although I am sure this is by far the least desirable relationship status out there for would be matches thank God it exists. So after spending days reading about men and what they are looking for nowadays I have come to a few conclusions that I would like to expand upon.

Let me start out by saying there are a lot of complete whack jobs on the Internet and apparently... they dig this one right here. In the first couple of days on Match I have been emailed by a some completely drop dead gorgeous men wanting to chat with me... on Yahoo... not Match. Turns out this is most likely scammers from Nigeria trying to get me to send them money for a plane ticket to come see me. Great!
I am also getting a lot of attention I guessed based on my pictures alone because they are definitely not reading the profile it took me days to carefully craft. Wait... aren't you supposed to actually read about the person to see if you might be a match??? Guess not. Do you really think we can have a relationship of any kind if you live across the country? I am not looking for a pen pal, don't email me. If you want 10 kids, don't email me, I have 3 and as my profile states I'm done. If you are 5'-2" I really don't care if you are a doctor, you are just too short for me. If you pastimes include watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns please move along, how does that qualify as active? And I don't want to join you on your "walk with the Lord".

I have only sent one match email so far and that was to ask for a picture. No response. Why would you put up a profile without a picture? You can't be that hideous, just bite the bullet and take a cheesy mirror photo like every other ass hat out there does! Seriously... bathroom mirror... with your shirt off??? Really??? And make sure you have a reasonably normal screen name. D you really think that a woman wants a guy who goes by shiningarmor4u2 or needalife, funromantic, thirdsacharm, biggunluver... put a little thought into it please. Can't be good if you're turnin me off with you name!

I am thinkin this is going to be a numbers game. I need to decide exactly how much effort I am willing to put forth sitting on my couch at night sifting thru emails and "winks" and profiles. I need to get up the courage to just send one of these cuties a note. I just don't know if this is for me or not... jury still out.

This is going to be my first tatoo... perfect:)

2nd Marriage Stats... Depressing....

So just out of curiosity I googled the divorce rate for 2nd marriage... 67%. Wow!!!! My best friend is currently going thru her 3rd divorce. I think the 3rd was like 75% or something equally awful. I am only going thru my first but I am seriously wondering if it is really worth ever doing this again. I love being married, I'll just say it, love all things wifely. But those are some pretty crappy odds when you get right down to it. I have another friend who is about to pop the question to his girl and head down the second marriage road. His relationship is far from perfect and I think he's nuts, but he's lonely and determined not to break this girls heart... they've been together for 2 years off and on... he thinks it's the right thing to do. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

What is wrong with everyone??? Is everyone really that lonely that they are willing to go down that road again and again. I don't know if I ever will. I love being married, but it's a whole lotta work and a complete shitshow when it's not working! I want to believe but it can't just be my friends that are making bad decisions. I am still in divorce hell waiting for my soon to be ex-numb-nuts to sign his portion of the papers. I can imagine being married again and it being wonderful. What I can't imagine is living thru the hell of divorce again... and it seems the more often you marry the more likely you are to get divorced. When you put it that way it actually makes perfect sense. Still completely depressing.

Do we really need a provision for adult sleepovers?

I think I finally understand why divorce attorneys make so much money. It is seriously tedious business trying to dismantle a marriage and years of a life joined as one. I am both shocked and amazed at how many things have to be touched on in terms of what every possible future scenario could bring about when getting a divorce. It seems like you should just split it all 50-50 and call it done. I was pretty much willing to go that route until my lawyers got involved. I do understand that it is their job to make sure I am protected and they have been great... thinking of things I never would have. But... some of this stuff is just plain ridiculous, some just perplexing.

First I will give you my favorite example of ridiculousness: "Furniture Arbitration" Yes, you heard me. According to my settlement agreement if my ex husband and I cannot agree with in 60 days of signing the document who gets what as far as furniture, we must hire a "furniture arbitrator" and go to "furniture arbitration".
Can you believe such a thing exists? This is a real job? Talk about not looking forward to work every day!!! Is a sofa, a chair a table really that important? Now I have some antiques and family pieces that I would fight for but honestly my ex would never want them. This must be a problem for the uber rich. I think a better idea for this type of disagreement is get yourself a chainsaw and get ready for a big ole' bonfire.

This next one is actuallly complicated and I have definitely struggled with it. There is no name for it so I have dubbed it the "adult sleepover provision" but it is the classic definition of the double edged sword if you ask me. I am not sure I'll ever get married again but I am quite sure I am down for plenty more adult sleepovers! I decided that this will not be a part of my divorce decree on either side...Lol.