10 Reasons Why I Won't Swipe Right on Your Tinder ...or Match or Anything Else

on
Tuesday, June 28, 2016

If you are not familiar with Tinder it is probably the dating app with the absolute worst reputation out there. Yep, Tinder is pretty much the basic bitch of all dating apps. Urban Dictionary describes it as the McDonald's for sex, I actually think that's a tad generous. I would go with more like Arby's or Taco Bell. It's not good but, on the other hand, it's good entertainment. As long as your block game is strong and you are a savvy experienced online dater like myself there are actually some advantages to using Tinder such as:
  • You can create a profile in 2 seconds with zero effort and immediately start swiping 
Ok, well maybe that is the only one really. Zero effort. Which often begets very low quality prospects. Here are a few common mistakes you are making guys that keep  me movin right along to the next loser's profile. 

ONE - You're Not Smiling. Really? Is it so hard to muster up even half a grin for your dating profile? If you look like you did in your last mug shot I'm out.

TWO - No Pic At All - I feel like this has been said 100 million times but still. Unless you are a supermodel no one wants to steal your face to catfish someone else. No need to worry about that. Oh and your co-workers and colleagues are not sitting at home nights trolling the dating sights to find out if you are on them. Get over yourself. Single people date online, it's not like we need to hide in the shadows here. I had one guy recently finally agree to send me a picture (yes I was bored) and he blacked out his own eyes. BLACKED OUT HIS OWN EYES.

THREE - High School Pics. If I don't care what you looked like in 2011, 2013, 2014 or 2015 I sure as hell don't care what you looked like in 1990. Current pics people, from today to 6 months ago is all that is really acceptable. 

FOUR - The Messy Background. Again, before you snap that photo make sure you clean up the pile of dishes in the sink or the trash can over flowing with PBR cans. Don't stand in front of your unmade bed or snap a bathroom selfie with toothpaste all over the mirror and the toilet seat up behind you. Go outside and find a nice tree to peek out from behind. Kidding, don't do that either. 

FIVE - A Blank Profile. Or worse "if you want to know just ask". No. I am not here to forcefully pull information from you. Please give me a brief overview of who you are and what you are about. Stop making me do all of the work. 

SIX - All Group Photos. Which one are you anyway? If we go on a date can you bring all of your friends because they are really cute. Please?

SEVEN - Smoking in Your Pic. Buh Bye.

EIGHT - Your Kids Are In All Your Pics. I get that you're a great parent, a real hands on Dad but something about having 16 pictures of you and your little girl on a dating site is off putting to me. I want to see you, not your kids. Are you sure you even have time for dating? I don't have any pictures of my kids on my dating profiles... ummmm no. 

NINE - List Your Requirements Up Front. If you lead by telling me what I should and shouldn't be I will be immediately annoyed and swipe left. Things like ... be fit, be spiritual but not necessarily religious... huh?, be able to hold a conversation, no drama, live an active lifestyle, look great in a ball cap or a little black dress (shut the fuck up with that), no fatties. Enjoy your single life.

TEN - Leading With Any Of The Following Statements:

  • Does anyone really read these things?
  • Let's tell everyone we met thru friends
  • I'll fill this in later
  • Work hard play hard
  • Looking for my soul mate
  • I'm better in person
  • I hate talking about myself
  • Must Love ___________ (I do what I want)



Happy Tindering!


10 comments on "10 Reasons Why I Won't Swipe Right on Your Tinder ...or Match or Anything Else"
  1. My personal pet peeve - listing "School of Hard Knocks" in Education. So douchey.

    ReplyDelete
  2. McDonald's for sex hahaha. and if you want to know just ask? ugh that would tell me all i needed to know lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hahahaahahaha Let's tell everyone we met thru friends. And also the whole I will fill this thing in later??? I remember that response back in 2009 when I was on these sites. Fuckers cant come up with some new material or what? No profile picture is super shady. So is one from 10 years ago when you had hair. And what is worse than the group photo? One where you cut out your girlfriend/wife. You didn't have a few minutes to snap a new picture???? Or clean up that mess behind you? Hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  4. It amazes me daily that people can walk around in this world unsupervised.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This has me cracking up. This both reaffirms why I'll never do Tinder again & at the same time has be thinking "oh the entertainment that is other people's profiles."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Since I've never online dated, it really is fascinating what people are putting out there and their socially inept behaviors. It's no wonder most of them are single. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I keep trying to encourage a girlfriend to keep trying, to stick with online dating. But, I read shit like this, and I can understand the frustration.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'd have to add the obligatory mom or grandma shot... That doesn't make you a nice guy, dude!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, yes and yes to all of them! I met my husband online through ICQ several years ago. It's basically nonexistent now (ICQ, not my husband). You'd think that people would get the gist of how to do dating sites now, considering they've been around for a while.

    ReplyDelete

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