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10 Reasons Why I Won't Swipe Right on Your Tinder ...or Match or Anything Else

on
Tuesday, June 28, 2016

If you are not familiar with Tinder it is probably the dating app with the absolute worst reputation out there. Yep, Tinder is pretty much the basic bitch of all dating apps. Urban Dictionary describes it as the McDonald's for sex, I actually think that's a tad generous. I would go with more like Arby's or Taco Bell. It's not good but, on the other hand, it's good entertainment. As long as your block game is strong and you are a savvy experienced online dater like myself there are actually some advantages to using Tinder such as:
  • You can create a profile in 2 seconds with zero effort and immediately start swiping 
Ok, well maybe that is the only one really. Zero effort. Which often begets very low quality prospects. Here are a few common mistakes you are making guys that keep  me movin right along to the next loser's profile. 

ONE - You're Not Smiling. Really? Is it so hard to muster up even half a grin for your dating profile? If you look like you did in your last mug shot I'm out.

TWO - No Pic At All - I feel like this has been said 100 million times but still. Unless you are a supermodel no one wants to steal your face to catfish someone else. No need to worry about that. Oh and your co-workers and colleagues are not sitting at home nights trolling the dating sights to find out if you are on them. Get over yourself. Single people date online, it's not like we need to hide in the shadows here. I had one guy recently finally agree to send me a picture (yes I was bored) and he blacked out his own eyes. BLACKED OUT HIS OWN EYES.

THREE - High School Pics. If I don't care what you looked like in 2011, 2013, 2014 or 2015 I sure as hell don't care what you looked like in 1990. Current pics people, from today to 6 months ago is all that is really acceptable. 

FOUR - The Messy Background. Again, before you snap that photo make sure you clean up the pile of dishes in the sink or the trash can over flowing with PBR cans. Don't stand in front of your unmade bed or snap a bathroom selfie with toothpaste all over the mirror and the toilet seat up behind you. Go outside and find a nice tree to peek out from behind. Kidding, don't do that either. 

FIVE - A Blank Profile. Or worse "if you want to know just ask". No. I am not here to forcefully pull information from you. Please give me a brief overview of who you are and what you are about. Stop making me do all of the work. 

SIX - All Group Photos. Which one are you anyway? If we go on a date can you bring all of your friends because they are really cute. Please?

SEVEN - Smoking in Your Pic. Buh Bye.

EIGHT - Your Kids Are In All Your Pics. I get that you're a great parent, a real hands on Dad but something about having 16 pictures of you and your little girl on a dating site is off putting to me. I want to see you, not your kids. Are you sure you even have time for dating? I don't have any pictures of my kids on my dating profiles... ummmm no. 

NINE - List Your Requirements Up Front. If you lead by telling me what I should and shouldn't be I will be immediately annoyed and swipe left. Things like ... be fit, be spiritual but not necessarily religious... huh?, be able to hold a conversation, no drama, live an active lifestyle, look great in a ball cap or a little black dress (shut the fuck up with that), no fatties. Enjoy your single life.

TEN - Leading With Any Of The Following Statements:

  • Does anyone really read these things?
  • Let's tell everyone we met thru friends
  • I'll fill this in later
  • Work hard play hard
  • Looking for my soul mate
  • I'm better in person
  • I hate talking about myself
  • Must Love ___________ (I do what I want)



Happy Tindering!


Listen Up.... Fives

on
Friday, June 24, 2016






And here we are again... another weekend upon us.  Lots going on here in Atlanta and in my world in general. Yay... you know how much I love a jam packed weekend. Maybe I can check off something from the Summer Goals list too.... hmmmm I wonder what? I have a singles match tonight I scheduled in a vain attempt to be healthy and not go out on a friday night. We'll see if that actually lasts. It is after all, Friday night. My tennis team takes on the team we are tied for 1st place with tomorrow morning and it's only going to be 97 degrees. Yipee!!! I also have my tattoo appointment tomorrow at 1... watch for snaps on that! I will be sitting for a few hours so snap me some entertaining stuff! Let's do a little Oh Hey Friday with 5 things because that's about all I can muster up today! Cheers to the weekend!

THIS SONG...

I am a huge Simon & Garfunkle fan and when anyone does a worthy remake it gives me chills. This. Is. Amazing. The Sound of Silence by Disturbed And David Draiman is hott. Two T's hott.




SPEAKING OF MUSIC...

Music Midtown Is a huge local festival in Atlanta every fall and tickets go on sale today. $125 for a two day pass. That, is a steal of a deal. LOOK at this lineup. Guess who will be there? The only bad thing is that I have Widespread Panic tickets for friday night. 3 days in a row of concerting is going to put my old lady ways to the test.  Go with God... aka G-Eazy.






DAILY ODD COMPLIMENT

I prefer shitshow but okay...



FATASSERY

To quote the Washington Post "Burger King's latest fast food Monstrosity is sadly genius". Making it's debut on Monday Mac n' Cheetos are deep fried mac and cheese sticks encrusted in a Cheetos flavored shell. I'll just leave that right ... there.




THING I DON'T NEED BUT HAVE TO HAVE

Does everyone have a kick ass blue tooth speaker except for me? Not anymore! My friend left hers at my house and I had it for 2 weeks before she got it back. Now of course I have to have my own JBL Pulse 2. It sounds amazing and the light show is super cool. Now we can sync ours up for even more killer sound at the pool and tennis courts. 




That's all she wrote today. Linking up with the beautiful farm gals Karli and Amy!



Rejection Is A Four Letter Word

on
Thursday, June 23, 2016

Well not really but kinda sorta. I seem to be on a bit of a roll lately. A rejection roll and I am not happy about it. I have been on a whole bunch of dates and job interviews and they have been going from bad to worse it seems. The latest one with my very own company in another role/group...DENIED. How's that for the ultimate bitch slap? So, in all fairness it was not really in my wheelhouse so to speak and I am sure that they found a candidate who was a better fit from that standpoint, but not better, just so we are clear. Moving on... again.

The Viking Lumberjack asshat that cancelled on me basically twice last week actually had the balls to text me again on Wednesday. I know... shocker... too chicken to meet face to face but hide behind your phone and text me again like nothing ever happened. He had the nerve to get shitty with me when I questioned him on why he didn't really want to meet. Not gonna lie, that smarted a little bit.  Which prompted me to literally text him "go fuck yourself Phil and lose my number". Then I blocked him. I have never used the blocking service I pay for with Verizon until now. Felt good. And then I deleted my Tinder account. I would like to say forever but most likely until the next Friday night when I am home alone bored with a bottle of wine. That's usually how Tinder hooks me... boredom and excessive alcohol.

But back to the rejection part though... it is starting to really, really get to me. Which is understandable but doesn't make it any easier.  I literally welled up a few times yesterday after I got the big job rejection email. Tears people!!! Part of me is like that's totally unacceptable but the part of me that gets ME knows I have to let it out and far better sooner than later. A little pity party in the car on the way home from your temporary job is sometimes just what the doctor ordered. Or on stage in your tiny sequined top hat...




P.S. I may have signed up for Match.com so now I can get higher quality rejection that I pay for. And also more blog material...


Cheers!

So Here's What...

on
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
I know I blogged just yesterday in my goals post about only linking up if necessary, welp... necessary. I feel like getting some shizzola off my chest in confession/rant form so that's what you're gonna get. 

Remember this post that I wrote on Ghosting? Ummm well yeah, guess who got ghosted twice in the last week? I have to get off Tinder... it's really, really bad you guys. One guy I made a date with last Wednesday cancelled around lunchtime saying he had to leave town for work. Then he proceeded to text me that night by accident telling me he was on his way to my house, obviously he was on his way to someone else's house who was probably willing to throw down in lieu of a first date. Here's a tip guys... Tinder is GPS based, I can see you are 15 miles away from my house when you claim to be 60 miles away. #youcantfixstupid #itakebackwhatisaid #youreanasshole

The other guy I have been chatting with for about a week and he seemed really sweet and normal. We even talked on the phone twice, like actual conversations. Haven't heard from him since Saturday. He just shut it down. I texted him Monday just to say "Hey"... nothing. One more time Tuesday... "are you ok?"... zip. May deserve one final farewell text... #IDGAF #littlestupidassbitch #igottaquittinder

fuck you real housewives of new york city real housewives of nyc go fuck yourself forget you

Does anyone watch My Big Fat Fabulous Life? I do, I got sucked in at the start and now I am invested in the characters. And also irrationally angry at the direction the show has taken. I feel like it's glorifying being morbidly obese. As a person who has always struggled with my weight it kind of offends me. Who collapses, gets taken to the ER, told to lose weight or die young basically, then goes home and eats a pizza? The same girl who compares being fat to being Muslim. I don't understand what TLC is trying to promote here. I get the "No Body Shaming" campaign Whitney is spearheading but how about let's not promote killing yourself with food because it's ok to be super fat? #itsnotok #fatisnotfabulous 


Remember how this whole Tinder thing started? Me pimping myself out to find a new mixed doubles partner? If not looka here. So yeah, I found him, he joined my team. He's 31, cute, nice, cool to hang with and a really good tennis player. We had our first win last week! He's fun to flirt with and we do a little but I think it's just tennis and I am totally cool with that. What I am not cool with is sharing him with the other ladies on my team who now want to play with him. Read my lips... NO. Not happening. You married ladies want a hot young tennis partner, get your own Tinder profile and knock yourselves out. #backoffbitches #iearnedthisone #ummjustno

RealityTVGIFs real housewives rhoa real housewives of atlanta kandi burruss

I have a big tattoo appointment on Saturday and I am a little nervous. I will be seeing the design for the first time and yikes... sitting for a few hours at least. I've only been waiting for a year or two to get an appointment with this artist though. Gonna be epic! #noturningback #paidthedeposit

bridesmaids drinking gif bridesmaids gif


Linking up with Kathy, Nadine, Laura and Lauren... because I was pissed off and needed to vent.


#Hashtaghumpday @ Genuinely Lauren

More Coffee Less Talky


Summer Goals 2016

on
Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Yeah so I am not much of a goal setter in general. Something about setting goals just seems defeatist to me like New Year's resolutions. I always set the goals to high or make them too big or somehow unattainable and then I fail and get mad at myself. I am, however, a huge list maker because somehow in my head a list of things I want to accomplish aka goals is somehow less daunting. But sometimes you just need to buckle down and set some honest to goodness goals so I am linking up with Steph for Summer Goals 2016. Summer is short, how hard can this be? Riiiiight.... so aside from Garlic Bread here goes:

Meal Prep - This is one of the things I feel most guilty about not doing because it is a no brainer for keeping the Paleo lifestyle on track. It is woefully off track. The truth is that Sunday is not working as well for me but the reality is it doesn't matter when you do it just as long as you do! Putting it on the calendar weekly with a shopping list and Menu.

Stay On Top of The Mail - Does anyone else have a problem with this? It just piles up and up at my house. It is all over my kitchen and there really is no excuse. Go through it daily and toss it. If it's important take a picture of it and throw it into Evernote. I hate paper.

Purge Clothing - Load up the car and take all of the various piles to GoodWill. Or call the local Women's shelter that will come pick it up. I had the best of intentions of selling lots of kids clothes on FB garage sales and making money but yeah... not happening. I'll take the tax write off. Get it out of the house before the next school year starts!

Read A Book On My Nightstand - I know you voraciously reading book lovers are cringing right now but I have a stack that I just can't seem to get through of brand new shiny pretty books. Shame on me. This means I need to axe some reality TV shows. No great loss.

Brunch at a new spot on my list in town, I'm thinking here. They have like seven different kinds of benedict so...

Take the kids to a Braves game. Even though they suck hind tit. OR Take a day trip to Senoia to see the Walking Dead being filmed.

Make reservations for my birthday dinner at Gunshow. This restaurant has been on my list for 2 years. It is happening this year. So happening.

Blog 3X A Week with.... wait for it... original content 2X. Only 1 link up allowed if absolutely necessary because, lazy.

Do one totally and completely New Thing that I have never done before. I have no idea what but if it's not adult content I'll let you know. 


Life According to Steph


Linking up with my gal Steph for the fun...


Things I Like A Lot Right Now

on
Friday, June 17, 2016

This might take a while.:

Well... it is the weekend after all. And it is going to be a busy one. I have dates, concerts, tennis matches, meetings, photo shoots... you know, the usual. It is supposed to cool off a little and only be in the mid 80's all weekend thank God! I did find a little time to throw together a few things I am digging on right now for the occasion so here you go...

OITNB SEASON 4

Is everyone as excited as me about this premiering today? I am irritated to no end that I don't have time for a proper binge this weekend. Unless I stay up half the night which is highly likely. 


CONCERT

Big event of the weekend, my annual pilgrimage to see Skynyrd at Crock Fest only with VIP passes this year. It pays to know the beer guy.  Also in the lineup The Last Bandoleros, Molly Hatchet and  Montgomery Gentry. It's gonna be a big time... southern fun fest. I am a little bummed about the no guns thing but, still. Gotta love the South!





COOL EVENT FOR A GOOD CAUSE

Speaking of fun things to do for a good cause, the talented folks at Walk The Line Tattoo in Athens, GA are putting on a benefit next week for Orlando. Sick tatties for $60 all day long and all proceeds go to the victims and their families via the Pulse Tragedy Community Fund. If you are an Atlanta local or are in the UGA area next week go check it out! Go to my IG for all of the deets and scroll to the pic.



FOOD THING 

Grilled Cheese is one of my favorite things on the planet Earth. No lie. I recently found out that there is a Tom & Chee  (of Shark Tank fame) location that at some point opened up rather close by unbeknownst to me. I am now obsessed. It is consuming my brain to know that there is grilled cheese specialty restaurant like minutes away from my office. Aaaand they make dessert grilled cheese on donuts too. And then I died. Have you had one yet? Do tell. 

HAIR PRODUCT

I have been using a product like this by Organix for years and wonder of wonders they recently did away with it. I went without for awhile and was just about to go back to the more expensive Chi version when I found this Suave Keratin Infusion. It's amazing and for around $2.50 keeps my hair smooth and straight all day long after I flat iron. I love a good drugstore dupe!


BEER

Are  you guys into the sour beers at all? This one...  Athena....from Creature Comforts also in Athens, GA is a summer fave of mine. It's a Berliner Weisse...Light and refreshing with notes of citrus, fruit, cider and sauvignon blanc. No wonder I like it, perfect for hot days!



FUNNY STUFF

And just a few because I haven't done them in awhile...


Me everytime I start cleaning. And then I'm like... "injury time out, let's go to the bar". 

fail infomercial cleaning pain painful

Why do bitches always think they can be Jane of the Jungle?

America's Funniest Home Videos fail water river swing

And another one... Ladies. Just stop.

America's Funniest Home Videos fail ouch river swing

When some loser starts to talk to me in the bar and I snuggle up to the stranger next to me.

America's Funniest Home Videos funny dog fail afv

This. Is just too perfect.

America's Funniest Home Videos fail dogs fall pool

I am not a cat person but don't fuck with them.

Cat Owner Karma.gif

Have a great weekend!

Thursday Thangs

on
Thursday, June 16, 2016


Hmmm... I think I may be doing this blog thing wrong again. Regular posts? What are those? Anyway....I hate when people say this but it's just been crazy. For real tho. Like that whack job down there crazy. Yeah. 

love crazy tom cruise katie holmes nicole kidman

So I am just gonna talk about things going on over here lately.

I still have a job. Contract extended until June 30th. HOLY CRAP WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Kids are always around. When your kids are there and you're a single parent they are always damn there it seems. Like even if you have a parenting plan they are all up in your face like all the damn time because... no other adult is there.

This week I made my kids sit down and decide how the three of them are going to run their own cleaning business this summer. What are they cleaning you ask? My house. Boom. They came up with a business plan of sorts and they each get to take turns being the manager. We will see how it goes.

It's almost time for another season of singles tennis. I am prepared for 6 more weeks of ass kicking. Maybe I will actually win one this time? Maybe not. I will burn lots of calories though!

Once your kids start driving kid free weekends change drastically. Knowing they could literally pop in at any second can be downright frightening. Explaining to them why they have to call first is even worse. This is my life right now.

Teenagers wreck cars and jack up your insurance. Sometimes twice a year!!

I had an interview this week for a full time position at the company I currently am working at. Sound weird? I know. It's not exactly my wheelhouse which worries me but I would still kill for the chance to be where I am full time and permanently.

Still playing mixed doubles with my Tinder partner. My young, cute, really good partner. That was one of the best ideas I had in a long time. Speaking of which...

I am still Tindering away. I had 2 dates last week.  I was supposed to have a date last night but we ended up postponing until Friday. So Friday I will be having dinner with a self-described 6'-4", 275 lb., mohawked, viking lumberjack. He's really cute too. I imagine it going something like this... except we are going to Longhorn so... yeah maybe not exactly like that. Or he may cancel again, who knows!

vikings s1 history channel ragnar lothbrok lagertha lothbrok

Sit down for this one. I booked my beach vacation. I did it. I called up my former co-worker and he gave me a sweet deal on his 2 bedroom condo in PCB  for a week. A whole entire week and he threw in an extra day!! So the first week in August I will be toes in the water, ass in the sand. Can. Not. Wait. Isn't it cute? It's not  a good plan to book vacations when everything in your world is so uncertain but it just feel like the right thing to do. So do it I am!





What's up in your world?