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Just Dumb

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Did you ever just have a day where you felt dumb... just plain stupid and foolish? Completely out of sorts? Like you are walking around in someone else's head and body? I hate that feeling and I have been feeling it all day long.  My life seems to be at a virtual standstill in some aspects and yet still spinning out of control. How is this possible? I was talking to a new friend last night who is 2 years out on her divorce and she just had to point out to me that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Grrrreat!!! That is just what I needed to hear. I know she meant well but it has really set me off kilter all day. I mean I know this logically is true. I have gotten past only a small handful of the tough moments in comparison to what lies ahead. I know this. I feared most in the beginning actually telling people... i.e. my husband. I thought he might go completely insane which he did for a few weeks, that was not fun. Threatening to leave us high and dry and never look back... such a nice way of dealing with your problems. So that's out of the way, paperwork nearing a close, custody arranged, child support worked out,  but there are still so many unknowns. I am scared to death. I wish I had the luxury of breaking down, sobbing, curling up in a ball and having someone there to tell me "it's all gonna be ok". This is what I miss about marriage... having some one there to catch you. At least that's how I always imagined marriage to be, sadly mine was not that way. I guess the unknown I fear the most is that I will never find this, does it really even exist? Today I am feeling decidedly like it does not.

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