On the Eve of Independence Day!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What a completely weird couple of weeks it has been. I do truly know the feeling of two steps forward one step back. Or is it the other way around? Either way I am making progress and as the 4th of July is tomorrow I thought it a fitting time to ponder a bit on what independence truly means to me, and maybe what I think it means to those close to me. My ex is coming around once again to a rational thought process, in no small part to my 13 year old daughter. She has been instrumental in mediating this latest horrific argument of who gets the house and why in this divorce. I did not ask her to step in, tried to keep her out but she is, in fact, my daughter and telling her she can't do something is sometimes the most motivating factor of all. Ugh.. she is so much like me. We may get to stay in the house a bit longer. I am still packing but it looks as if my ex is taking pity on my children and not making them change schools. This has been a devastating concept to my oldest as it is her last year of middle school. We shall see, won't believe it till he signs and gets the hell out!

Back to independence. I have always felt pretty independent except for the time in my life when I had small babies and wasn't working, feeling very dependent on my husband at the time. I have felt independent in my in my marriage for some time now. Living my own life, no husband around most of the time. Just me and the kids doing what we do on a day to day basis. Even when soon to be ex is in town I am living pretty independently, allowing him to be with the kids and trying to stay out of their way. Lately I have been so excited at the thought of complete independence even though it comes with a huge set of price tags. Having my own house with just me and my kids and totally being a single independent woman sounds like heaven after what I've been through. If I stay in my marital home even if he moves out, which is now apparently back on the table, can I really be independent? I am just not sure. Is independence worth giving up home ownership and becoming a renter at age 41? Is it worth the financial instability that I fear will get worse as I really truly own nothing but a car and some furniture? Ugh, never in a million years thought I would be here. On the flip side, no one in the world would have a key to my house but me. No one could stop by and walk in unannounced. No one... i.e. ex-mother in law could let herself in in the middle of the day while I'm at work to drop off pajamas the kids left at her house.  Independence sounds great but how much am I willing to give up to achieve it?

I feel it coming in waves, it ebbs and flows. Some times I feel so strong and others pathetic and horribly weak. But I am taking the steps to independence, baby steps but none the less. I will be thinking about that as the sky lights up above me tonight. Happy 4th!

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