I Can't Date You If....

on
Tuesday, November 1, 2016

>.< There are worse things. Ive been blessed with the greatest friends and family, the best kind around.:

I really do, I think this all the time. I did the long, looooong marriage thing and it was fun for a while but then it got old. And bad, it got very bad and then it ended. I ended it, thank God. So here I am, happily single.  But sometimes it's nice to have someone to go out and do things with or just to be with so I date. I date in the hopes of finding such a person but, I am just a teeny bit picky. I have a lot of requirements and deal breakers, at least my friends think I do. I'm totally a Sally. I want it the way I want it.

Image result for when harry met sally quotes

So, this post has been sitting in drafts forever and by popular demand in this post, I have been encouraged by all of you to finish it. So here it is... all of the millions of reasons that I cannot date you losers!

Your pics on your online dating profile are landscape instead of portrait. I mean come on, if you can't figure that out you are seriously technologically challenged.

You are all up in my shit all the time. Get off my jock. If you wanna know check my snapchat like everyone else.

You are a name caller when angry. Guys this is a big one for me, I just can't handle it. My ex was big on slinging insults and calling names during fights and you just can't ever unsay those words. Deal breaker.

You live with your parents. I understand hard times but my days of making out on your Mom's couch are long over.

You are still married. You guys laugh but you'd be surprised how many married men are actually also dating. I'm not kidding ladies, it's a thing.

You need constant attention. I have 3 kids and a dog. Nope. I cannot text you all day every day nor can I call you at specific times every day. Not gon do it.

You can't fix things. I can't fix things either so this is a lose-lose situation. I need me a handy guy.

You don't like outdoorsy things. Not as in you must hunt, fish, ride 4 wheelers but be open to actually spending time out of doors on occasion as opposed to the couch.

You don't cook at least the basics. Please... I am soooo tired of cooking virtually every meal that I consume for myself. If I have to do it for you forever it's not happening.

You wear skinny jeans or any sort of EMO type garb and you are in your 40's. Grow up.

Along with that...You have gauges. I like the bad boy type... tattoos, beards, scruffy-ish but I just can't embrace the giant droopy holes in your earlobes. It's not hot and you know, you're gonna have to get that surgically repaired at some point.

You shave. I kid... kind of. Not a fan of the babyface, sorry.

You bitch in the morning. Big deal breaker for me. Nothing ruins your day like someone bitching and complaining before breakfast.

You have bad table manners. This is my Virgo coming out but if you slurp, smack or say "mmmmmm" while you eat, NO. If you hold your utensils like a 2 year old and/or lick the knife, NO. If you lick your fingers I will kill you. Also, blow your nose at the table and I will get up and leave. Like "you will look up and I'll just be gone" leave.

And last but not least...You are a bad tipper and/or are rude to waitstaff. This says a lot about a person folks. We are going to go out a lot because it's fun and we live in an amazing town so please, be kind to those that serve you. They work really hard, harder than most and they deserve respect and a nice tip if they do a great job.

I could go on but I'll save it for another year in drafts...
10 comments on "I Can't Date You If...."
  1. I say those are all fair expectations!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love this! Perhaps I'm picky, ok I guess I've been told that, but I find all of those EXTREMELY reasonable. Not one was I like "come on now, cut the guy some slack."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Name calling, swearing and screaming are big no-nos for me as well. When adults resort to these things during an argument, it's obvious that 1) they have no respect for you 2) they have no self-control 3) ain't nobody got time fo' dat. Bye, Felicia.

    ReplyDelete
  4. These are all very reasonable! The very first date I ever had from online dating ended up being a married man.........I found out four months in and was mortified. After that experience, I'd google the sh$t out of every man I met in person. Unreal!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yep - these all seem super reasonable to me . . . if these are wrong, then surely we don't want to be right!!! The married daters fascinate me . . . what is there problem? I can't manage with the little time I have, much less trying to sneak around with anyone else. People are stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't see anything wrong with any of these qualifications. It is sad that you have to even point any of these out!!! The only thing that is specific to you is that you don't like a baby face but everything else is totally legit. They say bitches be cray...but ummm so do bros!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love all of these and they are totally legit reasons why any woman shouldn't date those men. And HELL NO to skinny jeans. I can't even talk to a guy who wears tighter pants than I do.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No skinny jeans, cargo pants, or man-buns. Ever. Also totally with you on the cooking, and not living at home, and adding must have a car (TLC's "No Scrubs" coming to mind). I would think not being married would be a requirement for sure! Great list.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think certain standards come with live & learn experiences in life. You know yourself. You know what will work for you and what won't. So, if you have certain "rules", then you won't be wasting anyone's time. And, they won't have the opportunity to waste yours. Ideally.
    I've never been one to have a physical "type" that I go for. I've gone for slim guys and built guys, long hair and shaved heads and in between, blondes and dark hair, facial hair and baby face, tattoos and none.

    ReplyDelete
  10. my husband totally says mmm when he eats hahaha. but yeah seriously, my brother has those gauge thingys and i hate them. he looks like an idiot, like the elephant from sesame street. and so much ew with skinny jeans. no. that doesn't look good on anyone. oh and for real with the name calling or just being really nasty when angry. that never solves a fight and is pointless except to make the other hurt or angrier. can't handle that.

    ReplyDelete

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