Roll On Roller Coaster

Monday, March 19, 2012

I can't get off the roller coaster. It has literally been so long since my life was just coasting along smoothly maybe I wouldn't know what to do if it was. Do we all just secretly enjoy the ups and downs or is it just that we have no choice in the matter so we have to accept it? Getting a divorce is certainly adding to the adventure for me but I feel as though it has been a really long time since my roller coaster has been on an upward turn. It jerks me around some days and I think we are going up then BAM!!!! back down I go, speeding out of control, tears welling up and I don't know why. This is what I want, have wanted for a very long time. What if I am making the wrong decision??? What if I never find another man to share my life with? Is it ever a good idea to stay with the wrong person rather than be alone?

Spent the weekend pondering this and the answer is definitely "No. It is never a good idea." How could it be good if you know it's wrong? My kids would like us to stay together for obvious reasons. How do I make them understand I am doing this largely for them? So that they have a shot at seeing what normal married life is. I am crushed by their tears and upset, to think that my failure has caused their pain. They are just starting to come to grips with how their life is going to change as am I. The roller coaster went down again this weekend but it's got to come back up soon. Until then I wait and wonder what lies ahead.

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