Acceptable Baggage

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Don't worry when I fight with you, worry when I stop because it means there's nothing left for us to fight for.

I was talking to a friend the other day over drinks shocking I know and I was rattling off a list of baggage that this guy I recently went out with had. Her response back was "why is that baggage?" "I don't think any of that is really baggage and here's why..."

So I started thinking about what she said...

When you find yourself single, especially later in life you start to really pay attention to other's people of baggage. I openly joke about all my baggage, I find it's easier to just put it all out there... crazy ex-husband, financial shit show that I'm working on, job probs, legal battles with aforementioned crazy ex-husband, a house I really can't afford, 3 amazing young-ish kids (not baggage to me but traditionally speaking they count), a failed marriage, weight struggles, health challenges... blah blah blah...

But how much is too much baggage?What makes a person's baggage a deal breaker? Because that list right there sounds like a lot to me but my life is actually pretty decent despite all of that. And I think I am still a great catch for someone out there.  If I was looking for that sort of thing which I am not sure that I am, at least today anyway. Ask me tomorrow and the answer may differ.

So the baggage thing... my list has evolved a bit over the last mmm four-ish years of being single and dating. So let me run down the list and play devils advocate  a little because my baggage may actually be a positive to someone else which is what I am slowly coming to realize. It's really more about how you are handling it, or have already handled it. Your baggage makes you who you are today, I think I forgot that important point for awhile.

So here are my top stumbling blocks thus far in determining if someone is even worth a shot or not:


I am going to start with this because although they are a joy and a blessing you do get to a point in life when you are just done and you don't want anymore... yours or anyone elses. I'm kinda there... I'm kidding a little, but the point is I used to think I would only date men with kids because no kids means they won't understand my life with kids and also giant red flag right? Wrong. Having kids is a huge decision and to choose not to or to simply have not had the stars align in that regard is not necessarily a negative. In fact, meeting someone that has no kids of their own means I don't have to deal with anymore kids like ever, except my own. Win. Win. I won't date anyone that wants more kids though... oh heeeellll nooooo. Now on the other hand, I dated someone who ultimately dumped me because his kids were grown and gone and try as he might he just could not wrap his brain around being with a woman still raising kids. I didn't handle that very well and to this day I think he made an odd choice but for him that was unacceptable baggage. Knowing what I know now I wouldn't discount someone either way because of their kid situation. Real connections are just too hard to come by.

Divorces - Failed Relationships

This one is a little trickier. Or is it??? I used to think 2 or 3 divorces or failed long term relationships was pretty generally unacceptable to me in a mate. But on the other hand I know tons of friends, family, neighbors. etc. who have been married at least twice, like practically everyone I know. I even know a few with 3 under their belts. I am not really sure this is a failure anymore. I have had one significant long term relationship my whole adult life. Maybe I'm the weirdo. I will admit relationships scare the crap out of me, I am not super open with my feelings, and I tend to be A-OK when I'm alone. I'm not even 100% sure I'm suited to relationships. I look at my friends that keep trying and think they are far braver than I, willing to put themselves out there time and again and risk the chance of being hurt. Or risk finding something amazing. That's kinda cool. So I don't discount lots of relationships gone south anymore either. Relationships are hard as shit. It's really no worse or better than what I have done, just different. I will say that I don't see the need for repeated marriages at this stage of life... from a legal standpoint its just a nightmare to get out of. I don't really get why people feel the need to make everything legal, just shack up and have some fun for God's sake. I know... rights and all that... no thanks.

All the Rest of The Crazy

People are fucking crazy. They just are. If you don't have some crazy in your life and you are over the age of 10 consider yourself lucky. I have been trying kinda sorta not really to find someone who is "normal" or at least with a limited amount of crazy in their world. When I say crazy I am just lumping together all the other things one might consider to be baggage like crazy ex's, crazy kids, crazy baby mamas, crazy job/crazy hours, crazy family you name it. We all have some don't we? What looks crazy to me might seem pretty normal to you and vice versa.

But just for the record here is the baggage that I consider completely unnacceptable and I only bring it up because it's all up in my face all the damn time courtesy of online dating... you'd be surprised at how often. ok not the prison part  but that did happen a time or two.

You're married, separated, in an open relationship... whatever. Fix your shit.

You are a raging alcoholic. Nope.

You have been diagnosed with mental illness... you laugh but for real. Sorry if I'm cold hearted but can't do that again.

You spent time in prison. I mean like not over night for public intoxication. Like real time. No.

You don't have a career or at least a job and some goals. Come on... if you are near 40 and haven't worked this out yet that's a problem.  If you started over in 2008 though I get it.

Other than that, I'm good.

Just random rambling thoughts today!



  1. I've got one more to add to your list based on a real-life event happening to someone I know: If you are arrested for childporn...10 counts of it...after 3 months of investigation. Dealbreaker. (I know it's a given to most rational thinking humans)

    Baggage - I'm glad to read that you are starting to see that it shapes the person that someone is today. I believe the key is definitely how someone has dealt with/or is dealing with their baggage. How open and honest they are about that baggage. Both my husband and I have a shit ton of baggage. But, we were willing to lay it all out, the good, bad, and extremely ugly, deal with some issues that must be dealt with and both really work for a better, happier, healthier future.

    I feel those that avoid their baggage and don't deal with it are emotionally stunted. I can say that because that was me. I avoided everything and didn't deal with any of my stuff that I needed to face for FAR too long. So, I was never read to be in or to give to a fulfilling, loving relationship.

    Good luck finding the right person whose baggage works with yours! It can happen. I'm living proof.

  2. i agree with your list! no job/car = nope. married more than 2x times? nope. hellion ex(s)? no way. mama's boy? nope (has to be severe because that means he will never stand up to his mom and likely his mom is a tyrant, no thanks). no ambition? nope.

  3. I mean your list with the prison on it - is definitely a deal breaker for most!! We all have baggage like you said, it's how you frame it up and deal with it that matters!! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

  4. I definitely think what we've been through shapes us. I know people who have been down a long shitty road and they're great people. I wouldn't consider them as coming with baggage. Anyone who deals with their shit doesn't have baggage.

    I can't deal with someone who isn't a hard worker.

  5. baby mamas was a deal breaker for me. that and bad teeth. nope nope nope.