I'm Out Of Control... Confessions of a Fatass

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I have been on a huge bender and I am not proud of it. Yesterday I was forced to take a long hard look at myself AGAIN in the mirror when I was trying to find an outfit to wear to my interview.  I can't zip a skirt I bought in April. I want to kick myself in the ass. Everything is tight. EHV-REY-THING. And that is not even the worst part. I just don't feel good. I'm tired, achy, moody, my stomach is a mess and my sinuses are going nuts.  I just generally feel like crap and it is all food related. 

Does anyone else do this? I am on point for months at a time and then boom, some stupid thing goes awry in my universe and I derail like a  freaking locomotive eating and drinking all of the things.

Does anyone else gain 10 pounds in like 5 minutes when it takes like 30 days of blood, sweat and tears to lose 10 pounds?

I really lost my shit yesterday. It was not a good day despite the fact that I had what I think was a good interview. I think... I don't really put much stock in what I think in that arena these days though. But about losing my shit, my clothes are all tight again and I am disgusted. Disgusted that I feel like I can't get off the hamster wheel of trying to get healthier succeeding and then failing over and over again. I am an active person, I eat a lot healthier than most people I think. What the fuck is my problem? I know how to do this, I know what works for me. Isn't that a huge part of the struggle for most people? I figured that out several years ago, for real, through various diets, eating plans, trial and error. I've done the work. I just can't stick with it. 

So what are the real problems for me? Because it's really not just one thing but the perfect storm of events that lead to my downfall every time.

Certainly that is huge, I eat and drink to feel better when I am stressed out, I know that is a fact. 

Poor Planning 
Absolutely, no plan is a plan to fail... cliche but true. 

Yes... I don't always want to shop and cook and prep healthy meals for myself and my family especially when I am down in the dumps about stuff. 

I have a social life that revolves around drinking. Sad but true... I know I am not alone here but being single definitely doesn't help matters on this one.

Shitty Food Choices
This is in direct correlation to the previous one. Even one glass of wine or a beer gives way to making really bad food decisions for me personally. I went to bars and restaurants during both of my Whole 30's and made good food choices. As soon as alcohol is in the picture the odds of that happening diminish drastically.  

Lying to Myself
Saying things like: 

"I totally didn't eat anything today so I can totally eat Nachos and drink Beer for dinner." 

50/50 is really not so bad. 

I worked out today so...

But I never eat fast food. Just fancy doughnuts. And pizza. And not like every day so it's ok. 

So I guess it's time to stop the madness again. Tears and frustration don't fix anything. I should do another Whole30. Yesterday was a perfect Whole30 day really, this could be day 2. But ugh... it's hard. And I hate even saying that but... Summer weekends at the pool and the lake, birthdays, concerts all coming up quickly. will present challenges but nothing I haven't done before. I am not sure what I am doing yet but I just felt like I wanted to write it down here, it makes me feel better. Sometimes that alone gives me some clarity and focus. 

In other news my new double oven shipped yesterday. I cannot wait to do some serious grain free baking! Also I have a date tonight. Write it down it's a record... 3 dates in 3 weeks. Wish me luck on that too. 


  1. I was literally just sitting here thinking of how gross I feel and of how many days I need to eat only vegetables to atone.

  2. I totally feel you on being on the hamster wheel of being good and then failing at it all. I mean obviously right now I am gaining weight because I am growing a human. But I swore before I got pregnant that I would have a super health pregnancy and yet here I am eating chocolate cheerios, mac n cheese and cookies all the time sooooo there's that. I just no it is going to succcck come January when I have this tiny adorable baby and way to much weight to lose.

    I try to remind myself when I am going through those blah stages that just because I was bad yesterday doesn't mean I should just give up for the week. Today is a new day.

  3. I'm starting a second Whole30 on August 15. I was not nearly as healthy as I planned on being this summer for many of the same reasons, lies included.

  4. so here's what has helped me stay on course since 2011 - the food i eat is in i eat the same bfast and lunch every day; the only variance is dinner (but not really). for bfast, it's eggs and grain-free bread. lunch is salad, baked chicken, potatoes (or quinoa), fruit. dinner is pretty much left over chicken from lunch (i make a batch), veggies and more potatoes. sometimes i will do a grain-free pasta dish....but this makes meal planning SO MUCH EASIER instead of struggling to figure what i want to eat.

  5. Have fun on your date. I wish you all the best with your weight loss journey. Don't let it get you down. We can't all be perfect all the time.

  6. I have the workout today excuse all the time! I need to get better! xo, Biana

  7. hey girl...don't beat yourself up too much. Maybe it's going from all to nothing all the time? I'm not super sure. It's weird, but the only thing I know is when I stopped thinking about eating all the time, I ended up eating when I needed to vs wanting to, if that makes sense. Like...I know I'm going to eat out my entire kitchen if I don't just force myself to eat a little something healthy every few hours. I am CONSTANTLY eating, but not a ton of anything, really. I think my stomach adjusted to this and moderation became "normal" again. However, I seriously wouldn't beat yourself up over going up a size. I tried forever to conform to one size and it just never worked, when I gave myself permission to vary in sizes, it was bigger, but overall I was a happier person. Literally no ones care if you are a 10 vs a 12 or whatever. Know one knows but you, so don't do yourself a disservice. Clothing size does not define you as a person. I think you are the bees knees at whatever size!!

  8. Ugh, same here girlfriend! It's a never ending cycle and it sucks.

  9. Don't beat yourself up. If you make it a priority you'll get to where you wanna be.

  10. All of this. I feel like I take one step forward and then 10 back. Why can't I get my act together?!

  11. I could have written this almost word for word. I know what I need to do . . . but I'm not doing it and I feel like absolute shit. I need to plan and prep and figure out some sort of regular workout schedule and STICK TO IT! Sounds easy, but we both know it's one of the hardest things to do. I'm so fascinated by women who are so strict and never seem to fall off the wagon - why can't that be us? I think we are too fun! Ha!