10 Day Challenge - Day 10 - One Confession - Look Ma No Pants!!!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

One Confession??? What the Hell ya'll?  I am not a big fan of the confession. My motto is unless you saw me do it it never happened. I am a lockbox, a vault. I am not admitting, let alone confessing to anything and if you rat me out you are dead to me on my shit list for at least a hot minute.  I am not exactly sure what I am supposed to be confessing here cause this is the internet and everyone knows all of the government agencies and big corporations are tracking everything we write, post, instagram, snap,  tweet, pin and tumble. Does that sound paranoid? Big data is a very real thing, just google a pair of shoes that you love and I promise you in a few hours they will appear in a pop up ad on the sidebar of a page you are browsing by the end of the day... I swear this time I mean it... they will, just to taunt you! They know everything we say here the minute we post it or hit send... it's out there forever and you can never take it back. I am constantly telling my kiddoes this in an effort to scare them into never doing anything dumb online. I mean I would straight up die if I thought there was any chance of my boss googling a picture of me doing a keg stand in a bikini at FSU circa 1991 with a pack of Marlboro lights tucked into my triangle top and my roommate with her head in a trashcan in the background. It exists, only on film thank Jesus Mary Kate & Ashley.

The only thing I can think of that anytime I cop too people seem to get weirded out by about me is that I hate underwear and I rarely wear them.  That is my number one favorite confession purely for the shock value alone. And people do find this shocking but it makes perfect sense to me and I will esplain you why. In fact I will prove to you in pictures why my way is clearly superior.

My first argument is always that I hate wearing more than one layer...anywhere on my body like ever. (Unless I am skiing in Vail or something then load me up cause it's cold as a mother at the top of that mountain). Maybe this comes from having to wear so many layers growing up as a kid in MI.   The only exception to this rule is the layering tank for chicks and  the undershirt for dudes. Other than that not necessary.  Why do I need double coverage on my nether regions??? It's hot down there folks to begin with, let's not add to it shall we?And if you are worried about keepin it fresh or dry or whateva, I can assure you there is an app a product for that... designed specifically to keep your lady parts happy happy happy.

Reason numero dos...VPL... Visible Panty lines. Do I really need to expand on this one?

 This is where it all began for me as a young girl, when I reached the height of hmmm... I don't know... let's just call it grown women's ass level. I was shocked, horrified even at what my eyeballs were being tortured with. There have been mirrors around since the dawn of time so there really is no excuse for not backing that ass up and taking a look before you assault the public with your panty lines. And I know what ya'll are thinking... "Well Amy, that's what they make Spanx for". Fuck Spanx... lezbihonest... It's called a girdle ladies and your grandma wore one and so did mine. Uh uh... not happening. That shit is uncomfortable as hell and once again HOT... Helloo!!!! It molds your cheeks together to give you that lovely old-lady mono-butt as if you have one giant ass cheek and no crack. Don't even lie, you know what I'm talking about and it ain't pretty.  If I you look so bad in an outfit that I you need a girdle maybe I you should pick another outfit... jus sayin. The exception to my rule on this is formal/semi-formal/dress-up attire. Eva Longoria admits to wearing Spanx on the red carpet and she's like a size negative skinny bitch, that shit is hard to pull off for anybody so get out your best scuba suit and suck it all in before you hit the Taco Bell drive thru at 2:00 a.m. and it's on the floorboard of the passenger seat in your car. Bottom line is for the most part not wearing panties will completely eliminate those pesky panty lines.

And for God's sake please stop wearing panties with Yoga pants, the good ones (LuLulemon gets the Ass-cademy Award) make your ba donk look better than you ever thought possible... (but not the ones that were re-called for being see thru) Ya heard?!?!
LuLu... This is not my ass:(

One more thing regarding panty hose. There is a panty attached to the hose... get it??? Panty-hose, it's a one shot deal. Don't duck it up by adding another layer. My best friend still does not believe me on this one. Swear to God If I'm lyin I'm dyin, panties are included. And this really only applies to tights because no one under the age of 65 should be caught dead in panty hose. Bare legs and commando all day long is all I have to say about that.

And last but not least I will concede that sometimes ya just want to throw on some panties for the hell of it. Maybe you want to be all matchy for a date, you have a docs appointment or you are wearing a cute little skirt that might reveal your Brittney by accident when you get out of your limo car. I get it. It's cool and I do it too. Victoria's Secret make these seamless panties that feel like nothing and completely don't show... they are the rolls royce if you must wear undies. Go buy them now.

But I confess... I am and always will be a commando girl at heart. Try it, you just might  thank me.

Be free ya'll!


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