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2013 .... What Have I Become?!?!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

No really... it's been a year of transformation for me. The life changing Wonder Woman kind. There is only one problem, aside from the fact that most of you reading this are too young to remember my favorite childhood super hero and the actress who portrayed her, the fabulously beautiful Lynda Carter. The problem is this... most of the time I still feel like I'm somewhere in the middle of that spin thing she does. When do I get to be done spinning and have a  gold bustier and star spangled hot pants? When do I get to deflect bullets with my bracelets and lasso the truth out of my enemies. I already rock some pretty awesome head gear on the daily so I do have that part covered. But in the spirit of Wonder Woman and transformation here is a short list of what I have become this year... not all of it is good

A Non-Smoker
A Divorced Woman
A Single Mom
A Cougar
Someone with high blood pressure
A wannabe runner
A real blogger
A social media whore
A Happier Mom
A Better Mom
More comfortable in my own skin
Someone who doesn't care so much what anyone else thinks anymore

I guess we never really stop spinning do we? And become that super hero who can solve the worlds problems much less our own? But hopefully this year I can transform into a few of the things on this list with a few more spins before I fall on my ass from being dizzy... Such as...

A Woman with her financial shit together
A Fit Person
A Clean eater 90% of the time
A social drinker (as opposed to a daily wine-o)
A woman who only dates quality men
A Runner (because don't all real bloggers run)
Someone who gets things done
Less of a procrastinator
A Better Mom
A Happier Amy
Wonder Woman

....what???? It could happen!

Happy Happy New Year Everyone!


So here's what.... Introducing the #DickWhistleOfTheDay

Monday, December 30, 2013

1. Dick whistle
Slang for an insult which indicates said person has a paper thin penis, causing a sharp whistling noise as they walk by.
Well folks, I'm inspired. And I'm gonna tell you why. I had thee worst date possibly like ever last Friday night. The good news is it was very short. Exactly long enough for me to chug one Blue Moon and hightail it outta there. But it was bad, soooo very bad that I am starting a new tradition here in crazy town and I am inviting you all to join in. As you may or may not know I am a Bravoholic, so I'm taking a page out of my guy Andy Cohen's playbook a la "Jackhole Of The Day" and starting my own version.... welcome to the first installment of  #DickWhistleOfTheDay. I have provided you with the technical definition of the term above but, in the spirit of the hash tag please feel free to apply it to anyone... person, place or thing that you think deserves the moniker.

So, back to the date from hell and the fine male specimen that is inspiring this post and will from this point on be known as KDW (king dick whistle) but his name is Brian. I am going to condense this and just give you the highlights in bullet form to keep it simple.

  • Our date was at 7, he got to the bar at 5, he was drunk when I arrived
  • He didn't talk, unless you consider one to two words at a time talking, I don't
  • When I asked about his kids he said he doesn't see them cause he got "fucked in his divorce"
  • He was at my eye level standing, so he lied about his height in his profile, by about 4 inches
  • He got up,said he had to go outside to call his Mom.... yes I said his MOM & left me sitting at the bar
  • He was outside smoking (another lie in his profile) talking on the phone to his Mom when I left

Those are just the highlights. And again, since I met him on a free dating website I guess the moral of the story is you get what you pay for. Freaks. But, still he made me feel like a complete idiot so in the spirit of helping my single sisters in GA I feel it is my duty to share with you a picture of Brian who lives in Braselton GA and works for HP in logistics which probably means tossing around boxes in a warehouse KDW.

Sorry for the poor quality. He sent me numerous photos which I deleted. Somehow I still had this one.I think you get the idea. He's a real prize ladies... don't say I didn't warn you. And yes, the person I had to crop out in the photo was .... his mother. Fuck me... how did I not see this coming.

You can stop laughing now and please join in the fun and hash tag your own #DickWhistleOfTheDay. Maybe one of you computer savvy folks can tell me how to make a linky tag thing! KDW might be over on Instagram and/or Twitter too today talking about his tiny paper thin whistling junk.... you never know!

On to the next one! 

A Porn Star, A Date & A Quinoa Salad

Friday, December 27, 2013
And you might be asking what in the fug do these 3 things have in common? Why me of course, cause this is my house. So come in and sit right down and let me tell ya a story bout a man named Tex. Because I'm guessing you all would like me to lead with the porn star story right? Yeah, that's what I thought you hoebagels. Well in case you missed it on account of the birth of the 6 pound 7 ounce baby Jesus and all,  this week I have already been hit upon by an inmate and you can read about that here. I am proud of the fact that my appeal crosses all race and socioeconomic lines. I am pretty much the  Dali Llama of the online dating world... everybody loves me. But last night much to my shock and awe I had a first time, and it's been a hot minute since I had one of those. Was chatting with a lovely gentleman last night who proceeded to tell me he had 2 names... Trey and Tex... this should have been a clue but here is basically how that unfolded...

Poor Tex... it seems that every time he tells a lady he works in the adult entertainment industry she promptly skee-daddles. Shocker!!! But wait there's more... he's also... wait for it..... Married!!!! Somebody stop me... I am that gooood!!! Technically legally separated but that's splitting hairs right? I asked him some questions and we chatted a bit more cause frankly, I was curious, and this makes for great bloggy material. Oh, and I figure since these are free dating sites that anyone on the planet can  access it really doesn't matter if I post the actual pictures on their profiles. Who knows if they are even real anyway! So hope you enjoyed the latest installment of  Amy's Adventures In Online Dating. Ur welcome. 

In other news I actually have a real date tonight with a normal person. He is age appropriate, good looking, employed and an FSU fan. So why am I not excited??? Really, our conversations have been nice, perfectly fine. He seems like a good guy and in my mind I'm already thinking a little boring. Clearly I have issues. But I'm going. I haven't been on a date since last summer because frankly I was feeling like I was wasting my time over drinks and appetizers with guys I didn't care for when I could have been home on my sofa with my kids, dog and wine or out with the girls. But it's time for me to get back out there so we are meeting at Tin Lizzy's so at the very least I will get a couple of yummy tacos out of the deal. And if you live in Atlanta and you have never eaten there... just go now... it is awesome!

And last but not least, time to get back on the healthy eating bandwagon and maybe fill up that empty tab up there that says "Fitness" either that or I will have Hubby Jack replace it with a tab that says
"Total Fraud Happy Fatty".
Naw... not really. Any way I made this awesome Crunchy Thai Quinoa Salad last night and it is omg sooo good, and healthy, so make it!

Here is what you need....

Tasty Kitchen Blog: Crunchy Cashew Thai Quinoa Salad with Ginger Peanut Dressing. Guest post by Laurie McNamara of Simply Scratch, recipe submitted by TK member Monique of Ambitious Kitchen.

Preparation Instructions

To cook quinoa: Rinse quinoa with cold water in a mesh strainer. In a medium saucepan, bring the water to a boil. Add in quinoa and bring mixture to a boil. Cover the pan, reduce heat to low and let it simmer for 15 minutes or until quinoa has absorbed all of the water.
Remove pan from heat and fluff quinoa with fork. Place in a large bowl and set aside to cool for about 10 minutes. You should have a little over 2 cups of quinoa.
To make dressing: Add peanut butter and honey or agave into a medium-sized microwave safe bowl. Heat in the microwave for 20 seconds. Add in ginger, soy sauce, vinegar, and both sesame and olive oil and stir until mixture is smooth and creamy. If you want a thinner dressing, simply stir in a teaspoon or two of water or olive oil.
Add as much or as little dressing as you’d like to the quinoa. I always start out with a little bit of dressing and usually add more to suit my taste preferences. Alternatively you can save the dressing for later and add when you are ready to eat; however the flavors of the dressing usually soak into the salad so I love adding it to the quinoa first.
Next fold the red pepper, onion, cabbage, carrots, and cilantro into the quinoa. Garnish with cashews and green onions. Serve chilled or at room temperature with lime wedges if desired.


  • 1-½ cup Water
  • ¾ cups Uncooked Quinoa
  •  Red Bell Pepper, Stem And Seeds Removed, Then Diced
  • ½  Red Onion, Diced
  • 1 cup Shredded Red Cabbage
  • 1 cup Shredded Carrots
  • ½ cups Chopped Cilantro
  • ½ cups Cashew Halves Or Peanuts, (honey Roasted Is Good)
  • ¼ cups Diced Green Onions
  • Fresh Lime, For A Bit Of Tang
  • ¼ cups All Natural Peanut Butter
  • 1 Tablespoon Honey (use Agave If Vegan)
  • 2 teaspoons Freshly Grated Ginger
  • 3 Tablespoons Soy Sauce, Gluten-free If Desired
  • 1 Tablespoon Red Wine Vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon Sesame Oil
  • 1 teaspoon Olive Oil
  • Water To Thin, If Necessary
 And here is what you end up with....

Doesn't that just scream Eat Me?!?!?

Cheers and have a great weekend, and don't talk to porn stars:)

It's called a Holiday Hangover for a reason....

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Cause it feels a little like someone did this to me. 
And don't even try to tell me you are not feeling it at least a little bit. I'm not referring to the alcohol variety of hangover either, but that certainly counts.  And hats off to ya if ya got one of those cause I don't really think Christmas is even one of the big drinking holidays loser. No, I'm talking  about the complete let down and lack of motivation to physically do anything that starts to set in shortly after the paper is ripped off the last gift. Since I have kids my perspective may be a little different but it goes something like this. After my kids are done opening their gifts on Christmas morning I crack a bottle of champs and mix up a batch of Mimosa's. Cause I'm done done done. 

 I started this tradition when I was married because I knew I needed to start getting my serious buzz on in preparation for spending a day with the in-laws. That and I was usually on my 3rd hour of sleep when the kids forced me to get up and open presents cause my ex never did a damn thing to help me on Christmas Eve. So I needed the bubbly to keep me happy. Now It signifies the end of all of my hard work, the celebration of the happy faces in front of me and the beginning of my time to relax. And relax she did. All day yesterday. I managed a shower around 4:00 and then a nap. Kids were gone to Dad's and it was heaven. I love em' to death but the 5 days preceding Christmas just might be the most exhausting of the year for this Mom. So Cheers... it's over. Refill please. 

So to all of you that are home curled up on your couches, I am so jealous. I would kill to be you right now but alas I must work. And this about sums up how successful I think my day will be. Cause she looks like she's got her  shit together... but No, No she does not. 

And that would be me today. Love ya long time. I will try to get my party pants off and back on the wagon tomorrow. No guarantees though:) 

Hope everyone has a fab day after!

They Even Have Christmas In the Pokey!!!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Eyelashes and lips by #Ipsy
I hope everyone is having a wonderful and blessed Christmas today with their families. Today is my relaxing day as we did our big deal last night and this morning so just a quick post for wishes to all. And I could not let the day go by without sharing some witty tale of  mine with all of you lovelies out there so I will leave you with this. I got this message yesterday from a lovely gentleman who lives just up the river...

Can you believe how lucky I am??? mrbossman2u would also like to shower me with xmas gifts as he mentioned in  a series of messages not featured here. That might just put the icing on the 2013 online dating cupcake!

Cheers! It's 2:00 in the afternoon and I have a date with a bottle of champs and a hot bath as soon as my kids head off to Dad's. Then it's off to the movies for this girl for a little Anchorman 2.

Merry Merry Christmas!

My Milfshake Brings All the Nuts To the Yard...

Monday, December 23, 2013

So every now and then I get really serious about the whole online dating thing and I hit it pretty hard. Whoa whoa whoa..... and before anyone even goes there I don't mean I am hitting all my dates hard or they are hitting me hard or any such thing.... that you know of.  I just mean I step up my game and start actually responding to all of the random messages I get. Yes, I talk to the crazy folk. And this weekend it was an all out freak for all! I think that the holidays make every Single (as in woefully unattached) person on the planet feel just a little bit lonelier and more loserish than we do the rest of the year. Myself included. There is something just a wee bit pathetic about gazing into your dogs eyes as you sip eggnog in front of the Christmas tree. And I did not do that... I'm just saying... it would be pathetic if someone, not me, actually did that. 

Moving right along... so let me tell you bout the fine specimens I came across on the interwebz this weekend while lazing around in my yoga pants with no youngins bothering me.  One thing you should know is that I am a total softy for anyone I think is a wounded bird or more lonely than  your average bear. I guess it shows on my face because a large quantity of the men that contact me seem to really be in need of a therapist not a date. 

Now I am not saying that they are completely crazy pants but...
For example, this weekend I came across 3.... yes 3 married men who claim to be in loveless relationships and are staying in it for the kids. This drives me absolutely insane so I always offer up my 2 cents.... hey, they contacted me first! I tell them get a divorce and quit screwing around. Your kids don't deserve unhappy parents with a crappy marriage. Which usually, 3 times this weekend, leads them to start spilling their guts and telling me their lifestory. Now all I had to do was shop this weekend and the rest was just downtime so I figured what the heck. I listened and played psycho-therapist. 

And then there was the guy who just wanted to write back and forth. Erotic messages. As in sexting only via email and in story form. And I was like "Huh?"

Ummmm... this is not 1-800-50 Shades of Grey people... I am here to date. You know, drinks, coffee maybe an actual meal if we feel like getting really formal. Writing porno stories with a stranger via email is not hot. Repeat... NOT HOT. Ok, maybe just a little. 

And then there was the guy that seemed normal and cute at first glance but was a tad younger than me, like 5 years. He asked if it was a problem for me and I said of course not, that's nothing. He said his main reason for dating older women is that he is "very well endowed" and older women seem to like that more than young ladies. He proceeded to send me a picture of his "endowment" and I about spit my eggnog on the dog in front of the Christmas tree spewed red wine all over the laptop and sofa. And as much as I wish I could share that picture here with you now, alas, on the off chance that it does belong to some real live person out there, I can not. You can always do a google image search on 10" erect and I'm sure it's there cause that's probably where Numbnuts got it from but I will leave you with this ...

Because it is far more likely that this is the kind of guy I was actually talking to. And I am not referring to Patrick Swayze.

How was your weekend?

Fan Friday & Epic Christmas Party #backthatazzup & A Give Away!!!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Well ya'll might be getting sick of me talking about my JaBoo but .... I am still on my "highz-man" after my boys big win of THE BEST trophy like ever in the entire world.  So that is the fan portion of this edition of Friday VavoomShabangin cause it's the weekend partayyyyyyy! Come on.... he's just so stinkin cute. Just look at him....

And he better come thru for me with flying colors on January 6th cause I made a bet last night with an Auburn fan co-worker  at the company Christmas party. As a result of too many of these...

And if FSU and JaBoo do not come thru I will be flying these colors on my car for a solid week... PUUUUUUKKKE!!! What in hell was I not thinking.  

It really doesn't matter cause we are #WINNING and he will be flying the Garnet & Gold... uh huh... cause we gonna "Do It Big"

Speaking of BIG.... My girl Big Holly has a Big Target Giveaway today over at her little corner of the bliggity bloggy neighborhood so go check it out here and get you some cash...

And all I have left is to #backthatazzup with Whit ... and wish for a sharp stick in the eye to whomever the fucktard is that stole her damn credit card. So there! And just so you can close your eyes and get a nice visual here one of the really cute boys in my office did a striptease while Karaoke-ing to this song last night at Epic Company Christmas party. IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Looking for a pony, 

Venus Trapped in Mars

I'm Failing at Christmas...

Thursday, December 19, 2013
As time is ticking away and we are getting closer and closer to Dec. 25th I see my hopes and dreams of all of the things I wished to accomplish for Christmas this year begin to melt away faster than the ice in my Maker's Mark and Egg Nog. But I still have a little time so I am not giving up just quite yet. And just to make myself feel a little better I thought I would take a gander at how badly some other folks have failed at Christmas. And of course since some of these epic fails about made me pee my pants I just had to share...

Can anything be better than a giant pink penis spewing green lights on your front lawn? I think not. Seriously, how did they not realize what they were doing here?

Now this is one that I really, I mean really want to do. And please don't get all offended, I'm a good Christian I just love to do something in a truly tacky Christmas fashion every once in awhile! And what could possibly beat the baby Jesus in a beer box??? My next door neighbors have one of those "Keep Christ In Christmas" signs in their front yard.... I would like to do this nativity with a "Keep beer in Christmas" sign.

I am not really a fan of the blow ups and here is precisely why... who thinks these things thru before they bring them to stores?  What in the actual fuck are they supposed to be doing here?

Here is another little somethin special that would be fun to craft at Christmas. I just love the unexpected, whimsical tabletop decorations don't you?

And last but not least it wouldn't be Christmas without at least one Pinterest Fail. This person must have been a complete moron or this is just plain made up. No one can screw up this bad!

Maybe I'll have some original material to share here soon but for now this has made me feel much better:)

Oh and just one more...


Can Cheaters Change? Once a cheater always a cheater???

Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Most of the time I want to write about fun stuff. I want my posts to be lighthearted and funny because God knows we all have enough heavy shit to deal with. I know I do. But every once and awhile I feel like I want to throw in something a little more cerebral, thought provoking if you will. I realize that as far as bloggers go I am old.. let's just go with 40-ish, or a hot cougar maybe... that works too. Since I am old I probably have very different ideas about what is thought provoking than most of you here reading today. So this also could be considered a PSA or a cautionary tale of sorts because being old also affords me the dreaded precious life experience card. And my deck is pretty full as I have had some doozies for sure.

So here's my thought for the day... Can cheaters change?

Let me start off by saying that when I was married I never cheated but I know a lot of people who have cheated or have been cheated on. Both men and women mind you because despite the bad rep that guys get on the cheating front just as many women do it too. Believe me, they do. And here is where I am going to get really controversial and say something that is going to make people mad I am sure but ... I get it. 

I understand some of the reasons why people cheat and I don't think it's the most horrible thing in the world, if you're the cheater. If you are the cheat-ee it's likely one of the most devastating things like ever, that is if you find out. I am willing to bet there is a huge portion of the spectrum that never know. One of the reasons I think this is my experience in the online dating arena. I had no idea but people are cheating all over the place. It makes me wonder about myself, about everyone. Are we even made to be monogamous?

Look how happy all these crazy bitches look and they share one incarcerated husband, God-awful pastel potato sacks and miles of the worst hair I've ever seen. Kidding... I'm totally not endorsing this lifestyle choice but it's like a train wreck you know what I mean????

One of the  bazillion reasons I ended my marriage was that I was feeling like if I didn't do something proactive I was going to do something re-active. Like maybe cheat, or have an affair if you want to call it that anymore. I don't really like that phrase, most people aren't out falling in love... they're just screwin around. I was so miserable and my relationship was so unfulfilled, I knew if I found myself with someone I was attracted to that made me feel like a beautiful, desirable woman it'd be on like Donkey Kong. And I don't think I would have felt the slightest bit of guilt either. Is that horrendous? I'm not sure, but I was miserable. This is why I struggle with the whole relationship thing now.

For example, and I shit you not, just today I was contacted by 2... yes 2 married men on the dating sites. Looking for hookups. One said he was in an "open" relationship and the other played the old "staying together for the kids" card. God I hate when people say that!!! I want to bitch slap them! On what planet do kids want unhappily married parents???? That's a whole nother post though. The point of this whole post is that I know cheaters who are now happily married and not cheating, by all accounts. What if I meet a former cheater and I fall in love with him? Cause let me tell you, people don't seem all too ashamed to admit that they have strayed. Part of me thinks, the bigger part, that cheaters cheat because there is something missing or they are not with the right person and they are searching desperately to find it. I'm not condoning it, at all. I chose the more difficult path for sure. And people are constantly asking me why I am not dating anyone. Well, here is one of the reasons... how can anyone be trusted? Of course if I did meet someone who admitted to being a former sneaky bastard I would lay money on the fact that I could be enough to make him faithful... which is completely ridiculous I know! So what do you think... Once a cheater always a cheater or just searching for the one?

Brought together by cheating. Love em or hate em, they both always seem happy.

Hei5man Weekend Re-Cap

Monday, December 16, 2013
My Jameis won the Heisman!!!! Go Noles!!! Next up the National Championship! 

What a weird weekend. My baby turned 8. It seems like just yesterday that we brought her home from the hospital and put her under the Christmas tree. Literally. We picked up take out the night we brought her home and sat on the floor next to the tree and ate crappy bbq while she slept in her car seat. It also seems like another lifetime ago. She had a fun day and a spa date with her best friend for the afternoon. Mani's, pedi's and up-do's... so cute they were! We had a quiet dinner at home and a small cake, just us. Her Dad has been in the hospital all week battling his health issues. They let him out around 6:00 but he didn't come over. She talked to him on the phone though so there was that at least. I feel so bad for my kids. Their Dad misses so much of their lives. But I was here, as always.
It was nice not to have too much going on for a change. After traveling the last 3 weekends it was nice to be home and be lazy. I heard from an old friend this weekend too. You ever get a text or a call from someone from your past and just go  "what the hell?" Yeah, well that was pretty much how it went. A guy friend who once upon a time I thought maybe I could have something with. Thanks Facebook... anyone can find you now. Not sure what to make of that one. To be continued I guess.
Soldier boy is back in town too... yee haw and hell yes! Hes so fun... gonna hang with him a little this week as the kids get out of school for the holiday on Thurs. and ship off to Dad's for the weekend! Yippee... adult time! Guns, guns and more guns. All kids of guns:)
I'm completely out of sorts and I am sure this is going to be a ridiculously crappy post. Christmas is like minutes away and I have nothing... I mean nothing done. I will get my Christmas bonus on Thursday and then  I can do all of my shopping online in one night. How insane is that??? Sad but true. And guess what? I won't have to wait in line or look for parking anywhere! I might even be shopping from bed, with a glass of wine... can't beat that.
Anywho I am at work so I really should be working. I was too lazy to finish this post last night. I was too busy Candy Crushing and POF'ing and OkCupid-ing from my couch. Which reminds me... I promised ya'll an update on the online dating shit-tasticness that is my life right now as I am revisiting this as an appropriate way to meet men. Guess what... it's not going any better this time than it did the last time. Worse maybe... I already got tricked into thinking someone was normal only to be invited to a hotel room...newsflash... that's not what dating sites are for douchebag. Check out Adult Friend Finder, that's the one for hook-ups. More on that later. Lets get to the photos of the weekend cause every picture tells a story don't it:)

Cheers Everybody... Here's to a fantabulous week ahead!!!

It's a Party of One!!! Am I Single or Alone? It depends on the day....

Friday, December 13, 2013
So as the holidays are fast approaching I always start thinking about years past and how things are so different now for me. For so many years I did exactly what my mother did every year... entertained  family and friends over the course of two days until I was so exhausted I could hardly stand. And I truly loved it. The weeks of preparation, the menu planning, countless trips to the store, trying to craft the perfect holiday experience for my guests... Martha would have been proud. I pulled it off year after year, hauling out all of my china and crystal, serving platters and chafing dishes. Everyone came and enjoyed and showered me with praise for the sumptuous food, beautiful decor and warm hospitality. And then they left and I spent days cleaning house, packing everything up and stashing it away for the next holiday.

So... things are a lot different post-divorce. My ex and I split Christmas Day so I am with the kids for the first half and alone (GASP!!!!) for the second half and that night. Much to the horror of my friends I might add. Now you might be thinking "how awful that she only gets half a day with her kids on Christmas" but it works for us and I am pretty ok with it. I will say that at first it was weird and I was all "what do I do now", but these things quickly have a way of becoming your new normal. For me anyway. This whole being single thing has been a learning curve after being married for 16 years and sometimes I get mad that I don't have someone in my life. And I eat.

I try to be healthy and make good choices but often times I fail miserably.

Sorry I'm not sorry. Cake happens.

As you might have read here eleventy billion times once or twice before,  occasionally I drown my sorrows drink wine. Sometimes I even get sad and feel sorry for myself and I might shed a tear or two.

But then I think "hey wait a minute, I am fabulous" and then I take an amazing selfie, post it on Instagram, FB & Twitter and everyone else tells me how fabulous I am too. This is the true essence of social media btw. And then I call all my girlfriends and they tell me I am totes amaze and force me to go out with them for drinks and apps.

Maybe my Christmas is a little weird because I'm single now but I am never really alone and at this point in my life I am ok with not being in a relationship. So all of my friends can stop looking at me with the sad face, especially on Christmas, cause it's ok. I am ok with curling up on my couch in front of the fire and watching movies after the kids go to their Dad's. It won't be like this forever that is one thing I do know. Everything changes. I'm embracing it. A party of one is better than a party of none!

Time to #backthatazzup with Miss Whitney Ellen
Hit it Miles.....