My Milfshake Brings All the Nuts To the Yard...

Monday, December 23, 2013

So every now and then I get really serious about the whole online dating thing and I hit it pretty hard. Whoa whoa whoa..... and before anyone even goes there I don't mean I am hitting all my dates hard or they are hitting me hard or any such thing.... that you know of.  I just mean I step up my game and start actually responding to all of the random messages I get. Yes, I talk to the crazy folk. And this weekend it was an all out freak for all! I think that the holidays make every Single (as in woefully unattached) person on the planet feel just a little bit lonelier and more loserish than we do the rest of the year. Myself included. There is something just a wee bit pathetic about gazing into your dogs eyes as you sip eggnog in front of the Christmas tree. And I did not do that... I'm just saying... it would be pathetic if someone, not me, actually did that. 

Moving right along... so let me tell you bout the fine specimens I came across on the interwebz this weekend while lazing around in my yoga pants with no youngins bothering me.  One thing you should know is that I am a total softy for anyone I think is a wounded bird or more lonely than  your average bear. I guess it shows on my face because a large quantity of the men that contact me seem to really be in need of a therapist not a date. 

Now I am not saying that they are completely crazy pants but...
For example, this weekend I came across 3.... yes 3 married men who claim to be in loveless relationships and are staying in it for the kids. This drives me absolutely insane so I always offer up my 2 cents.... hey, they contacted me first! I tell them get a divorce and quit screwing around. Your kids don't deserve unhappy parents with a crappy marriage. Which usually, 3 times this weekend, leads them to start spilling their guts and telling me their lifestory. Now all I had to do was shop this weekend and the rest was just downtime so I figured what the heck. I listened and played psycho-therapist. 

And then there was the guy who just wanted to write back and forth. Erotic messages. As in sexting only via email and in story form. And I was like "Huh?"

Ummmm... this is not 1-800-50 Shades of Grey people... I am here to date. You know, drinks, coffee maybe an actual meal if we feel like getting really formal. Writing porno stories with a stranger via email is not hot. Repeat... NOT HOT. Ok, maybe just a little. 

And then there was the guy that seemed normal and cute at first glance but was a tad younger than me, like 5 years. He asked if it was a problem for me and I said of course not, that's nothing. He said his main reason for dating older women is that he is "very well endowed" and older women seem to like that more than young ladies. He proceeded to send me a picture of his "endowment" and I about spit my eggnog on the dog in front of the Christmas tree spewed red wine all over the laptop and sofa. And as much as I wish I could share that picture here with you now, alas, on the off chance that it does belong to some real live person out there, I can not. You can always do a google image search on 10" erect and I'm sure it's there cause that's probably where Numbnuts got it from but I will leave you with this ...

Because it is far more likely that this is the kind of guy I was actually talking to. And I am not referring to Patrick Swayze.

How was your weekend?

1 comment :

  1. There are definitely a lot of weirdos out there! I know I've encountered my fair share.

    Anyways, Merry Christmas to you! I hope you are enjoying your holidays surrounded by family and friends. I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for Liebster Award. You can find the details on my blog. Happy Holidays! - Lynsey