This Post was "Only Used A Couple Times"

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Hey yooo... haven't done a Favorite UD Words lately and we have missed some really good ones. So, in an effort to help you all maintain your street cred I am giving you some of my current faves. You're welcome. And also because my brain is currently relatively devoid of anything remotely useful. Sorry... I am on day 3 of no hot water. Yep that little POS did not remain fixed for long. Apparently it needs a new thermo coupler what the fuck ever universe which is an $8 part plus an $85 service call to install. Occasionally I will try to attempt to fix things myself and I have had some success. Amy don't play with natural gas lines. I have almost lost my eyebrows more than once just trying to light the grill so me thinks it's not a good idea to attempt to fix a gas powered hot water heater. With my luck I am sure I would blow up my house. FML this shit is getting old. Any way, here are a few of my very favorite things to currently work into everyday convo.

Now ladies, I think we can all admit to this. It's Girl Scout Cookie season and I had 2 Tagalongs yesterday and then I had a mouthgasm.
When you eat something that causes you to make pleasurable sounds out loud, exactly like the ones that you make when you have a orgasm.
"Oh my god, mmmmm, Oh my god, mmmmm, oh fuck".

"Are you ok"?

"Yeah. I think I just had a mouthgasm though".
I personally like bacon and cooking big fat steaks too much to ever get into a bicurean relationship. Not gon do it.
An adjective that describes a relationship between an omnivore/carnivore and a vegetarian/vegan.
We can serve anything for dinner when the Smiths come over, they are bicurean.

When you look at my phone just bear in mind that I am single so there is no illegal scrolling allowed. This scares me.
When someone hands you their phone to show you a photo or text, and you swipe left/right or scroll up or down without permission to.
Dude, I gave Sammy my phone to show her that bitchy text from Alice and she totally started illegal scrolling.

I am the worst at keeping an open mind when purchasing off Ebay or Craig's List. When I see "only used a couple times" I hear "someone elses broken crap" that they are done with.
"Only used a couple times" is an expression that literally translates to "used the fuck out of it and am selling it while I can for a few bucks before it breaks." The phrase is extremely common on Craigslist and Facebook yard sales. Oftentimes, after buying something that has "only been used a couple times," you will get maybe a couple of good uses out of it before it breaks/stops working/ignites and by the time you've gone through the hassle of scrapping it, you'll be wishing you would've just bought a friggin' new one from the start.
"I bought a popcorn popper that was "only used a couple times" and the damn things spits out half the seeds."

"I'm not sure why the washing machine makes loud humming noises. The person I bought it from said it was "only used a couple times."

"I bought a Glock that was "only used a couple times," and the slide flew off when I shot it and nearly impaled my right eye."

I have a friend that says "shots fired" all the time. Now I have a come back. Thank you captain obvious Urban Dictionary.
Recently, many people have been saying "Shots Fired," when someone gives a witty remark or serious burn. Now, if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of one of these burns, you can say "Shots Received."
Evil Friend: "Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory."

You: "Ouch. Shots received."
I love banking in a secure private location like my closet. 
Money saved or stored by a non-traditional method (inside of a Shoe Box) without F.D.I.C. protection, enabling easy fee-free banking from a secure private location, usually ones residence.
Penelope was perplexed at her friends concern over ATM fees or government oversight because her Shoe Box Money was self managed.
We all have this person that invites us over and we just brace ourselves for the utter disappointment that is their cooking.

What you say under your breath when you do NOT want to eat someone's awful cooking.
I puked when I saw my Aunt's atrocious black lasagna and muttered, "Turn down for lunch!"

Isn't this why we all drink for the most part? It's an addicting feeling right there. I've come up with some really great ideas when drunkspired. 

The feeling of inspiration one can get when having a drink (alcoholic)
I couldn't figure out what to write until I had a drinkspiration. 
I think possibly I am not nearly ambitchous enough here lately. Personal goals.
striving to be more of a bitch than the average bitch
Ugh! Britney f****** my boyfriend!

Yeah, she's pretty ambitchous.
See ya on the flip side. 


  1. Illegal scrolling - that is just too funny! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

  2. I would cut a bitch for illegal scrolling.

    I hope you get hot water back soon. I do not play with natural gas lines either.

  3. Illegal scrolling is not cool! Shots received is hilarious! Hope you get the hot water going soon!

  4. haha illegal scrolling. bitches be cray. that's why i never hand over my phone; i hold it up for the person to read and that's it.

  5. haha this is too funny. Illegal scrolling .... just dont. Not with my phone!