In Search Of An Emotionally Stunted, Gluten Free, Vampire... Anyone????

on
Thursday, November 7, 2013

Sooooo.... I have decided to take the plunge once again into the seventh ring of hell world of online dating. Don't ask me why I don't know why... except that I miss having someone to fall all over me hang out with. Maybe I'm bored, maybe I need writing material, maybe I need a sharp stick in the eye. Maybe it just seems like a good time  sky dive nekked from an aeroplane... Not really, I am such a chicken shit I could never do that. Anywho I unhid my hidden profile on POF and poof... I'm all systems go for launch. And then my brain took a u-ey and said  "hey Brill...POF didn't exactly work out for ya last time, Maybe we should scope out some of the other sites and see what's out there?" Oh Brain.... Brain, Brain, Brain, you think you're such a smarticle. But perhaps this time the old noggin had a point. I had not investigated any new sites in quite some time. I have tried Match, OkCupid & POF with limited success. Made a few friends but no love connections.  I undoubtedly wasted countless hours talking to "persons"... and I use that term loosely... who may or may not have been real, married, male, employed, un-incarcerrated, missing limbs, unable to read, addicted to Nascar, day drinking for a living, toothless Craig's List Killers. I'm telling all of you married/attached folks out there you just have no idea what we have to go through! 

Well, time to GTS cause I am excited now that there must be some wonderful new online dating sites out there where I can sign up and find my true love just like that right!?!?!?! Well, new yes, wonderful no. Full of wonder, as in I wonder how our world has not become extinct and people can find other people normal enough to procreate with. Here are the tops of the tops that I found before I hit the liquor store...


Ok maybe this one is not so abnormal as far as they go. If you have a fake food allergy chronic diarrhea you probably want to date someone who is in the same boat. Not Cooking and  not dining out will certainly be easier to plan. I'm feeling pretty lucky to have stumbled upon this little gemstone because now I know that if someone asks me if I am "GF" I will not embarrass myself by responding "hellz to the yeah I am". Cause where I come from "F" means something a teensy bit different.


This one is really just confusing. Do I sign up if I am a human or a vampire? If I meet a vampire and he bites me and sucks out my blood any second date we have is gonna pretty much blow in comparison. And how do I really know if it is the BEST human/vampire dating site out there? And I'm ok with dating someone a tad older but 211 is really pushing it. Sorry Sebastian... Bite me... haha...j/k please don't.

Yes!!! I have been asking myself the very same question... "why toke alone?"!!!! Because guys... you know this is what all women who smoke/toke look like. And they are waiting for you. 


 Ever since I was a little girl I can remember (when all the other little girls wanted to  marry Princes...pshhhhh)  stomping my little purple bell bottomed foot on the ground saying "I wanna marry a Sea Captain!!!" And then I hopped on my little unicorn and rode off into Narnia. 


What in the actual fuck is this? Even scarier... I found multiple sites. Cause nothing turns me on like someones junk in a diaper but then again... I guess it Depends on who's junk it is. Wait, No, No it does not. Get help people. 

What is the attraction to someone who is in the pokey? I tell ya I just don't get it. I see how men can be annoying and all and I don't want to be smothered or have to be with someone like 24/7. But a boyfriend/girlfriend who is serving time? They also claim to be number ONE in finding pen pals for inmates... ummm .... do they poll inmates?. And since when are lipstick and nail polish are a requirement when you are hangin on the fence at the Penn. 


Maybe they should do a Link Up with Why Toke Alone? I mean I don't want be a bring down here but...Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine all the people Living for today... you hoo ooh ooh ooh.
Excuse me while I throw on a caftan, jump in my time machine and meet you at Woodstock. 
Freaks.




What can I say about this one? At least we are being honest? Right from the get go you know I am nutty as a fruitcake and I know you are  five cans short of six pack. Now its fine if it's between you and me but where are we gonna tell people that we met? I've got it... "Meet-an-Inmate.com" cause then when we tell them it was just "EmotionallyStunted.com" it won't sound nearly as bad. 

Wish me luck!
2 comments on "In Search Of An Emotionally Stunted, Gluten Free, Vampire... Anyone????"
  1. Hysterical! And thank goodness I'm married! I can't decide which one gets the creepiest award . . . I guess diapers or vampires. Just eeeeewwwww!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All equally horrible options in my opinion. Maybe I should just stick with the tried and true picking up guys in bars?:)

      Delete

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