I Miss Having A Husband

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

There. I said it. 

For all of my anti-marriage, ex-husband bashing, love stinks ranting and raving.... I miss having a husband. A spouse. A person to share some percentage of the daily burdens and work and decision making. A person to look at and say "I just can't do this can you please handle this one?". God I miss that. 

I have been spending a lot of too much time lately wondering if I've made the right decisions. Wondering what my life would be like right now, this very second, if I had stayed married. How would it be different? Should I have tried harder, stayed longer, stuck it out because I'm Catholic and we don't divorce? Spending too much time talking to my ex conjures all of this stuff up in my brain. You see, he blames me for giving up,  for walking away... and he is still so angry. In an attempt to avoid going back to court we have been trying to talk some things out. Which is not good as we will likely never see eye to eye on matters related to the divorce. Never. I am pretty sure if I had stayed my life now would be some sort of worse version of what it was years ago when I decided to end my marriage. 

Rationally I know that when I make a big decision I have to commit to it and not look back. The reality is I am horrible at this. I don't want to make big decisions alone. I want to do it with someone, or better yet have someone just tell me what to do. And try as I might I can't get anyone to tell me what to do but sure as shit I can find a hundred people who will say "I can't tell you what to do". Except for my ex of course, he loves to tell me what to do. Because according to him what I do and the way I think makes absolutely no sense and is completely selfish. He's right about that part but if I don't look out for me who else is going to??? I have made all of my big decisions based on what's best for me and my kids. Not him. And I'm sorry, I feel horrible but I just can't anymore. 

I don't even know what this post is about other than me complaining about how hard shit is and whining about having to be a grown up. So I say I miss having a husband because in theory he is supposed to alleviate some of the stress of the big stuff in life. In reality mine made me want to bash my head against the wall repeatedly in frustration. But still, there were the times when just knowing someone else was there made things easier. Even if that someone was horribly flawed and mostly completely certifiable, there is still some comfort in not being totally alone. Which I am not in that I have family and friends but you know what I mean.

That's it for my pity party today. Now I am going to go make a list, on the advice of one of my wise girlfriends, of 5 things... just 5 that I need to do that will get me moving in the direction that I need to go. Wish me luck!


  1. Hi Amy...I totally understand. It is nice having a partner, but I believe you made the right decision with leaving your ex. There are reasons for everything and hopefully you will have a partner in the future who appreciates you for who you are and in turn, you will fight the good fight to be with him. It is so very hard sometimes, being married, but it is worth it for the right person. All in time. Until!

  2. a partner isn't supposed to make you feel worse as a person - you're completely right in that a partner in life is supposed to complement you; to help you and to make things better. if that person didn't do that, then that person wasn't right for you. never sacrifice your self-worth or anything about yourself for another person - ever. the day we do that, is the day that we are resigning to being unhappy forever and fuck that shit.

    you did right by your kids and you. sometimes two people just don't make sense together AND THAT'S OK.


  3. It's hard to make the tough decisions and even harder when you look back and wonder. We all do it though. I think everyone wants to have that someone in their life no matter how hard they make things. Keep telling yourself why you made the decision in the first place and focus on what a bad ass you are - because seriously you are! You can make it through anything and it was not meant to be if he made you feel that way. Chin up lady!

  4. I went through the same, " did I make the right decision, should I have stayed?" brain cluster fuck. It messes with you bc there are those times you want someone to be there, make those decisions. The only thing is, that other person has to be the RIGHT person. If they are not the right person for you, then those decisions would always work for the better.

  5. i think we all struggle with big decisions, and its normal to doubt them sometimes. but you need to make yourself happy first, and the marriage clearly wasnt cutting it!

  6. Big hugs Amy. Deciding to stay and deciding to leave both take courage and commitment - and when you go with your gut you've made the right choice. Remember that even in your doubting times.