Charming Southern Felons, Fornicators & Freaks

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Well, well, well we made it to the end of Season 1 of Southern Charm. I said I wasn't gonna watch it but I got sucked in almost immediately. Maybe because I like the smell of bourbon and old money, I don't know. Maybe because I am a transplanted Yankee in the South and as such I identify just as much with the Southern ways as I do the North. Maybe because people with ridiculous amounts of money and time on their hands are akin to aliens from outer space to this broke single Mom. I'm fascinated, I really am. I have always been the girl that gets sucked in to TV dramas for the escape factor. I can get out of my own reality for 30 minutes or an hour and frankly... it's nice. So let's get to the re-cappin...

First of all the bombshell of the season Thomas and Kathryn and their love child!!!! Omg... my favorite felon knocked up his 21 year old little Miss Hot Pants. Shocking!!! And they are not married and Kathryn is clearly pissed about it but they have a beautiful daughter. Thomas seems a tad bit more settled and introspective but lezbihonest... the dude is 50. Poor Kathryn is too young to know that they don't change at 50 honey pie. The change however was evident in her, which was really interesting. She seemed a lot more mature. Even her voice was different. Political coaching maybe? After all she is still interviewing to be the wife of a SC state senator apparently.  Motherhood definitely. Plus she's probably sleep deprived and a little deranged, at least enough to be talked into going on national TV one month post-partum in a short very unflattering dress. Bless her heart... her stylist deserves a long walk off a short pier in Charleston for that one! She doesn't even look like the same person. Ugh... I have been there, feeling like you are in someone else's body after your first baby. Hang in there, it gets better!

I hope you get the ring Kit Kat, and by the time that baby is a year or I would ditch your paw paw boyfriend.  

And then... Cameron got married making her no longer interesting by her own admission. Newsflash Cam... you weren't that interesting as a single gal. Shep announced he doesn't ever use birth control because he assumes "they do" and "it feels so good" he "just can't stop". He sounds like a lunatic. I'm pretty sure it's the early stages of Syphilis Sheppy... better hurry and get ur skanky junk to the free clinic cause that shit will fall off if it gets really bad. Blech... And Craig is about to graduate law school. Ok, we have a winner here!!!! Good luck Craig and get off this show!

And then there's old WhittyPooPooPants (bonus points if you get this reference lol). It wasn't really clear if he's still living with his Mom and the two man servants. My guess is YES. What we did learn is that he has had a serious girlfriend since last fall. Say whaaaaat????? I still maintain my gaydar goes off the chain for him but... Oh wait, the girlfriend is twenty-one. Did I mention old Whitmeister is forty-seven? Ewwww.... gross!!! Ok so suffice to say that this is not a legit relationship. I still say he's gay. He's combined three different patterns in his shirt, suit and tie for fucking out loud!!!!

And then there was Jenna King. Jenna was a bit of a disappointed to me in this cast. I thought she was going to be really interesting and steal the show but... not so much. Apparently she is no longer with the rich sugar daddy Lou and is very much with Ronnie Radke the lead singer of Falling In Reverse. Huh... that seems like a better fit for you Jenna, good job! At least you got a closet full of Louboutins out of the deal and a swank summer in Chaaaal-sten. But please Jenna, I know the high waisted pants are apparently a thing now but the 80's called and said they're sorry for making you look like you have no legs and a super long torso. Why, just why???

So that's that... Bravo and Andy Cohen do it again with another reality formula that works. Oh wait, it's the same formula that has been working for them. Rich people with lives that us normal folks can only imagine. But Bravo... you are missing the boat over here! Pay me to film my life, I would soooo make it interesting. Because who wouldn't want to watch a reality show about a broke single mom, with 3 kids, a crazy ex/deadbeat Dad??? A self proclaimed cougar, navigating the world of online dating, trying to get fit, trying to stay employed, living in the affluent suburbs of Atlanta in a town named after a sexual activity? I mean come on, you can't make this shit up!!! 

Fingers crossed for a second season of Southern Charm! Andy... Call Me


  1. So I have not watched this show, but you make it sound appealing . . . perhaps your fantastic review is really all I need. Now a reality show about your life . . . I would totally watch that because you make everything so freaking hysterical! You go girl!

  2. I swear, this show has been all over the place lately. Am I the only one who didn't watch it?! haha

  3. I didn't want to watch this show either - but I totally got sucked in because I love Charleston!! Thomas is clearly still in love with the one that got away!! Poor Katherine will never be that woman! Shep is period, he's every college girl's worst nightmare! I love reality shows for the same reason you mentioned - makes you escape your own reality for a little while!

  4. Fellow GA girl stopping by from the Blog Baton! I have never seen this show but you make it sound hilarious! And just a guess by your "living in a town named after a sexual activity", Cumming maybe? Excited to follow along!